[Rhodes22-list] Pilot Jokes

[Eaton, Gil]

	And a salute to Brad:


COCKPIT CONVERSATIONS

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing
for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the h-ll are you going?! I told you to
turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there.
I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D',
but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you
to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then, an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

===========================================

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able... If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

============================================

Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing
bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

============================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern
702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

===========================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been
to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn't stop."

================================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

================================================

A Pan! Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance
time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because
you lost the bloody war!"