[Rhodes22-list] jokes(I hope this is a better batch)

[Michael Meltzer]

(Mumf note: most people that know me, don't know me as being very PC; all
the same, this next one is a classic!)

 1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
 2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
 3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
 4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
 5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
 6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
 7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
 8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
 9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE! - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

 1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.
 2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
 3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.
 4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
 5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS
 6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
 7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.
 8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
 9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

 - from Gary Savage

--
Who's on first?

ABBOT: Computer Support Group. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking
of buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm
sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But
what program do I load?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight
answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to
watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and
four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie.
What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It
pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of
Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I
also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to
help me track my money?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How
much money do I get?
ABBOT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still
need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you
have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You
know--accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the
moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if
my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something
to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go
back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well.
Computer Support Group. Can I help you?

 - from John Raso

--
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had
7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time
had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the
Lord, for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and asked her friend, "Do you think he means her
first, second, or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many
dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch
upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The
perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in
the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences,
briefed below for your review.

 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2am.
 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from
my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, coupled
with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik
and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese
fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this
time.
 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never
take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
 4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being
placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties,
boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras.
 5 . Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do
actually know that person. The phrase 'let's fuck' is illegal from now on.
While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that
would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public.

Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance
for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm-hangover
immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions
are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or
Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only
fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to
continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above and address them immediately.

I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on
your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

 - from Kevin Haggerty