[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Wally Buck]

MJM,

Some real good ones!

Wally

>From: "Michael Meltzer" <mjm at michaelmeltzer.com>
>Reply-To: The Rhodes 22 mail list <rhodes22-list at rhodes22.org>
>To: <rhodes22-list at rhodes22.org>
>Subject: [Rhodes22-list] jokes
>Date: Wed, 11 Jun 2003 14:10:53 -0400
>
>Things You'd Love to Say Out Loud at Work
>
>  1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
>  2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to 
>pronounce.
>  3. How about never? Is never good for you?
>  4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. (Mumf note: this one 
>sounds like something I would say! and, I won't even tell Brian who makes 
>me want to say it the most!)
>  5. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
>  6. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
>  7. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
>  8. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
>  9. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
>10. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
>11. Do I look like a people person?
>12. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
>13. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
>14. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
>15. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
>16. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
>
>++
>Statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to 
>summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words.
>
>o Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't 
>have.
>o The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
>o I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head 
>through it.
>o I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
>o A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
>o The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I 
>hit him.
>o I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and 
>headed over the embankment.
>o In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
>o I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I 
>reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did 
>not see the other car.
>o I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and 
>had an accident.
>o I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal 
>joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
>o As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where 
>no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to 
>avoid the accident.
>o To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
>o My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
>o An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
>o I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found 
>that I had a fractured skull.
>o I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the 
>road when I struck him.
>o The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
>o I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof 
>of my car.
>o The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a 
>big mouth.
>o I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a 
>ditch by some stray cows.
>o The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the 
>way when I struck the front end.
>
>
>  - from Jimi Pocius
>
>--
>Mrs. Ferrara comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a 
>female roommate Vikki. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't 
>help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been 
>suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her 
>more curious.
>
>Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she 
>started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than 
>met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what 
>you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."
>
>About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother 
>came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't 
>suppose she took it, do you?"
>
>"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and 
>wrote:
>
>   Dear Momma,
>   I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not 
>saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been 
>missing ever since you were here for dinner.
>   Love,
>   Anthony
>
>Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma which 
>read:
>
>   Dear Son,
>   I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that 
>you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping 
>in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
>   Love, Momma.
>
>++
>A kindergarten class had a homework assignment  to find out about something 
>exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
>
>The first little boy, Johnny, was called upon, walked up to the front of 
>the class, with a piece of chalk, he made a small white dot on the 
>blackboard, then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it 
>was. "It's a period," said little Johnny.
>
>"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
>
>"Damned if I know," said the little Johnny, "but this morning my sister was 
>missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door 
>shot himself
>
>
>  - from Nancy Monroe
>
>--
>On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel 
>it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a 
>Bitch!"
>
>"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
>
>
>Trying to cover for himself, he replied back, "No, Father, that's what kind 
>of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"
>
>"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
>
>Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's 
>the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
>
>"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
>
>"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a 
>Bitch!"
>
>Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and 
>his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this 
>big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
>
>Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
>
>"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"
>
>"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
>
>"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a 
>Son of a Bitch."
>
>Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit 
>tomorrow and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll 
>even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.
>
>As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing 
>Sister?"
>
>"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops' 
>dinner."
>
>"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset!  Please watch your language!"
>
>"No, no! , no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish".
>
>"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and 
>that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've 
>finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
>
>On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar 
>had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was 
>excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
>
>"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop's 
>eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
>
>"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister. The Bishop sat 
>silent in disbelief.
>
>The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special 
>recipe!"
>
>The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept 
>across his face as he said, "You motherfuckers are my kind of people."
>
>  - from Patty Galvin
>
>--
>There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black (Mumf note: 
>"African-American for you politically correct pussies!):
>
>1. He called everyone "brother".
>2. He liked Gospel.
>3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
>
>But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
>
>1. He went into His Fathers business.
>2. He lived at home until he was 33.
>3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure  he was God.
>
>But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
>
>1. He talked with his hands.
>2. He had wine with every meal.
>3. He used olive oil.
>
>But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a  Californian:
>
>1. He never cut his hair.
>2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
>3. He started a new religion.
>
>But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
>
>1. He never got married.
>2. He was always telling stories.
>3. He loved green pastures.
>
>But the most compelling evidence of all---3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
>
>1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
>2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't 
>get it.
>3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work 
>to do.
>
>Amen!!!
>
>  - from Sue Greene
>
>--
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