[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

As Cheney told CNN, he has been 100% heart-attack-free since ascending to the vice-presidency.  He later added, and I quote, 'In
fact, rather than giving me stress, being Vice-President has actually fueled my blackened soul, allowing me to gorge, vampire-like,
on the bloody nectar of unlimited power.'"

"I'm sorry, that should have read, 'I've never felt better.'"

                         -- The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, May 12, 2003

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
BUSH TO PHASE OUT ENVIRONMENT BY 2004

All Species Under Review, President Says

Just days after Christine Todd Whitman departed her post at the Environmental Protection Agency, President George W. Bush announced
ambitious new plans to phase out the environment altogether by 2004.

"In addition to cutting taxes, it is the goal of this administration to cut our wasteful, bloated environment," Mr. Bush said in a
speech before the Association of Indiscriminate Applauders in Washington, D.C. (Mumf note: I love the AIA!)

While plans to eliminate the environment entirely are still being formulated, the general strategy of the White House is to phase
out the environment gradually "so that hardly anyone will notice it's gone," an aide said today.

Apparently, the plan to phase out the environment may have prompted Ms. Whitman's decision to leave the EPA, since the agency's
mission seemed increasingly nebulous in the absence of an environment to protect.

"Christie decided to move from the EPA to New Jersey because a year from now New Jersey will still be around,"

 - from Jay Pocius

--
Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse
is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job two years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new
one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the bills. And since our daughter
went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian.
What should I do?


Signed, Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Dump him. You're a New York senator now. You don't need him anymore.

 - from Sandy Fraser

--
"Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry      into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed
a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind.  And when the drums of war reached a fever pitch and
the blood boils with hate and the mind has 'closed', the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry.  Rather,
the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I
know?  For this is what I have done.  AND I AM CAESAR."
 --Julius Caesar
++
"A first attempt to recover the right of self government may fail, so may a second, a third, etc.  But as a younger and more
instructed race comes on, the sentiment becomes more and more intuitive, and a fourth, a fifth, or some subsequent one of the ever
renewed attempts will ultimately succeed... To attain all this, however, rivers of blood must yet flow, and years of desolation pass
over; yet the object is worth rivers of blood and years of desolation.  For what
inheritance so valuable can man leave to his posterity?"
 --Thomas Jefferson to John Adams, 1823.

++
Top 10 Responses to Why We Haven't Found any Weapons of Mass Destruction:

10. "We've only looked through 99% of the country"
 9. "We spent entire budget making those playing cards"
 8. "Containers are labeled in some crazy language"
 7. "They must have been stolen by some of them evil X-Men mutants"
 6. "Did I say Iraq has weapons of mass destruction? I meant they have goats"
 5. "How are we supposed to find weapons of mass destruction when we can't even find Cheney?"
 4. "Still screwed up because of Daylight Saving Time"
 3. "When you're trying to find something, it's always in the last place you look, am I right, people?"
 2. "Let's face it -- I ain't exactly a genius"
 1. "Geraldo took them"

++
The law is the weapon, the courtroom the battlefield, the judge your enemy and your lawyer is an enemy spy.
 --Michael H. Brown, Esq.


++
Know your enemy.
 --Sun Tzu


++
Never base a plan on what your enemy MIGHT do. Always base your plan on what he is CAPABLE of doing.
 --Military Maxim

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
The Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada, a legal brothel, also plans to extend 50 percent discounts on sex to the military for the next
few weeks, proprietor Dennis Hof told Reuters in a telephone interview on Tuesday.

Hof hit on his unique gesture for honoring U.S. troops when Bunny Ranch star and former Playboy magazine centerfold Sunset Thomas
was flooded with letters from the front lines.

"We were receiving about 20 letters a day," Hof said. "We thought, when these guys are done we'll do something special for them."

The first 50 servicemen and women through the door will receive a sexy knockoff of their military-issued "TA-50" kits of personal
hygiene items. Instead of toothbrushes and soap, Hof's kits contain condoms, lubricant, an adult magazine and a certificate for free
sex.

Thirteen men and three women in uniform have shown up so far to claim their gifts. All told, the free and discounted sex will cost
Hof about $50,000 -- a worthy sacrifice, he said.

"We want to feel patriotic and feel we are doing something for our servicemen," he said. "If we owned a Dairy Queen we would be
giving away free ice cream, but ... we own the sex capital of the world. What better way is there to give back?" (Mumf query:
indeed! what better way?)

 - from Kevin "I Suck at Pool" Haggerty