[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

For those who already have children past 6-8 years, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is a birth control message.

Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding):

 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
 3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
 5. You should not throw baseballs (or poker chips) up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
 9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "....And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do
you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said....'Holy shit! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
 

 - from Dave Houpert

 

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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

It took 15 minutes for the class to come to order.

 - from Jimi Pocius

 

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http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf 

 

 - from Sandy Fraser

 

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Questions asked by Peter Marshall with supposedly unscripted responses.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
 A. Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

 - from Patty Galvin

 

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Bumper Stickers

Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!



A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.



Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.

Feel safe tonight ... Sleep with a cop.

Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.

GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.

If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut??

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

Axe me about Ebonics

Boldly going nowhere

Cat: The other white meat

CAUTION - Driver legally blonde

Don't be sexist -- broads hate that!

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull

Dial 911 and make a cop come.

Lobotomies for Republicans...it's THE LAW!

 

 - from Jimi Pocius

 

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I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU...

I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND CONTROL YOU...

I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN AND GROAN...

I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY...

I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I LEAVE YOU...

AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.

ALL MY LOVE,


THE FLU

 

 - from Sandy Fraser

 

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. 

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" 

"Eight", the boy replied. 

 

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" 

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

 

 - from Patty Galvin

 

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