[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

A lady walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yes, they're all mine," the tired momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all their names.

"This one is my oldest--he's Leroy." 

 

"OK, and who's next?" 

 

"Well, this one's Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, also named Leroy!

"All right...I'm seeing a pattern here...Are they ALL named Leroy?" 

 

"Well, yes--it's actually really convenient. When it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and the kid, whoever he is, stops in his tracks. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

Ah, that's easy," said the mother "Then I call them by their last names."

 

 - from Jimi Pocius

 

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Signs

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
 --Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE 

Beauty is only a light switch away.
 --Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC 

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" It's "Hi, how are you?" 
 --Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia 

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. 
 --The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO 

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
 --Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC 

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry. 
 --Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ 

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
 --Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ 

 

Make love, not war. -Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
 --Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT 

 

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
 --Revolution Books, New York, New York. 

 

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. 
 --Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX 

 

If it doesn't have tits or tires, I could care less/

 --said to my brother, Chuck's, girlfriend by Fred Frost when left alone for a few minutes at an Arena Football game in the Hartford Civic Center, Hartford, Connecticut

 

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
 --Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, DC 

 

Express Lane: Five beers or less
 --Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ 

 

You're too good for him.
 --Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA. 

 

No wonder you always go home alone.
 --Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA 

 

 - from Dave Houpert

 

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Dear Martha, 
I know things are tough right now, so here's a suggestion... Turn the cot on an angle. It will make the cell look larger. Paint 3 walls a lineny/beigy shade and the 4th wall 3 shades darker. Dark colors recede and the cell will look longer.

Do not try to disguise the bars. Play them up, have fun with them. Paint each one a different color and carry that motif onto the bed linens and (if you have one) the window treatments.

For privacy when pooping, maybe a folding screen of bamboo or another natural material. Plants are a must for a natural look, but, Martha, go with the new silk ones, less maintenance and we're not sure how much natural light you'll have. Change that dangling bulb from a 100 watt to a pink bulb, 60 watt. It'll give your skin a better glow.

Good luck, Martha, keep in touch. I am only too happy to send you a file baked into a cake. Do you prefer chocolate (page 380, your first cookbook ) OR coconut (page 576, your 342nd 
cookbook)?

 

Please advise.



Jimi Pocius

 

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Snappy Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
 
Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the Highland Park Market in Coventry, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads 'Low bridge ahead' Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
 

 - from Kevin Haggerty

 

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Letter to Tide from a very satisfied customer:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best.

In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. She started to berate me about my drinking problem.

One thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of her blood on my white blouse, as well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative! Thank you, once again, for a great product.

Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

 

 - from Steve Halpin

 

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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. 

 

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.


"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."

 

 - from Kenny Taylor

 

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