[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Fri Jun 27 11:24:10 EDT 2003

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

All you have to do is be:

 1.. a friend
 2.. a companion
 3.. a lover
 4.. a brother
 5.. a father figure
 6.. a teacher
 7.. an educator
 8.. a cook
 9.. a gardener
10.. a carpenter
11.. a driver
12. an engineer
13. a mechanic
14. an interior decorator
15. a stylist
16. a sex therapist
17. a gynecologist/obstetrician
18. a psychologist
19. a psychiatrist
20. a therapist
21. a good father
22. a gentleman
23. well organized
24. tidy
25. very clean
26. athletic
27. affectionate
28. affable
29. attentive
30. ambitious
31. amenable
32. articulate
33. bold
34. brave
35. creative
36. courageous
37. complimentary
38. capable
39. decisive
40. intelligent
41. imaginative
42. interesting
43. prudent
44. patient
45. polite
46. passionate
47. respectful
48. sweet
49. strong
50. skillful
51. supportive
52. sympathetic
53. tolerant
54. understanding
55. someone who loves shopping
56. someone who doesn't make problems
57. someone who never looks at other women
58. very rich

At the same time, you must pay attention to make sure you:

59. are neither jealous nor disinterested
60. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with them than with her
61. give her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes

Above all, it is very important to:

62. Not forget the dates of:
      · anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...)
      · graduation
      · birthday
      · menstruation

However, even if you observe the above instructions perfectly, you are not 100% guaranteed that she will be happy, as she could one day feel overcome with the suffocating perfection of her life with you and run off with the first wild bastard- bohemian-drunk-bon viveur she meets.

NOW, HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

 1.. Let him play with your tits.

 - from Jimi Pocius

--

It takes more than a degree to secure employment.

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." As he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my Dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.

Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I shit my pants!"

He got the job. (Mumf note: but has to wear depends!)

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--

These are ACTUAL supervisor quotes taken from employee performance evaluations -- 

 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 

 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 

 3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

 4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 

 5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet." 

 6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 

 7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 

 8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 

 9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." 

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together." 

12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." 

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." 

15. "He's been working with glue too much." 

16. "He would argue with a signpost." 

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." 

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." 

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." 

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 

21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection." 

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 

26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 

29. "One neuron short of a synapse." 

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes." 

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

 - from Jay Pocius

--

http://www.toilette-humor.com/cartoon.html

 - from John Redfield

--

Funny Signs in Great Britain
**************************************************************

 1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
 2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
 3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
 4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
 5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
 6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
 7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
 8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
 9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

 -from Carmen "Have I Got a Pool for You!" Ligato