[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

A woman takes her 16 year old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "ok
Mrs. Jones what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings,
she is putting on weight and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says,
"Well I don't know how to tell you this. but Darla is pregnant - about 4
months would be my guess."
The mother say's "Pregnant? She can't be she has never ever been left alone
with a man. Have you Darla?"

Darla says "No mother I've never even kissed a man. 
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About 5 minutes
passed and finally the mother says, "Is there something out there doctor."

The doctor replies. "No not really, it's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over
the hill. 
I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time."
++
This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small
sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent
say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." 
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I ave some
special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at
sex." 

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex
god he was. 

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" 

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man." 
 
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and
tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something -- his wife hadn't seen in many years!! 

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently
over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed
a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. 
 
The Jamaican then began screaming: "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!! 

-- from Jimi Pocius
--
One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment
and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute, I can
tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples."

So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy
shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a
rough lover and that isn't for me." Then she said, "The second way is if a
man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is
inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then she said, "Honey, how do
you unlock your door?"

He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the
lock."

++
(Mumf note: this one you either "get" or "don't get" - I don't get it...)

# cd /pub
# more beer

There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary,
and those who don't

# man woman
# Segmentation Fault (core dumped)

hash bang slash bin slash bash
   translation: (#!/bin/bash)

- from John Raso, our geek from the great white north

--
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats
them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it
whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in
sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He
finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then
leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the
man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the
monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and
eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he
asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy. 

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled it out,
and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything
in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures
everything first."

- from Fred Frost

--