[Rhodes22-list] How to win arguments (humor)

[Bill Berner]

Funny!

Bill Berner
191 South Broadway
Hastings on Hudson, NY  10706
 
v 914 478 2896
f 914 478 3856
e BBerner@optonline.net
 

-----Original Message-----
From: rhodes22-list-bounces@rhodes22.org
[mailto:rhodes22-list-bounces@rhodes22.org] On Behalf Of Mark Kaynor
Sent: Wednesday, March 26, 2003 1:13 PM
To: rhodes22-list@rhodes22.org
Subject: [Rhodes22-list] How to win arguments (humor)

How to Win Arguments, As it Were


I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and
steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great
respect, they don't even invite me.  You too can win arguments.
Simply follow these rules:

        * Drink Liquor. (JD) (Note: some may prefer Mount Gay)

Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is 
expounding
on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about.  If you're
drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back,
afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot entralls your date.  But
if you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you'll discover you have
STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy.  You'll be a WEALTH of information.
You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting
furniture.  People will be impressed.  Some may leave the room.

        * Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove
Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that
YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch
of Peruvians be better off.  DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are
underpaid."  Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars
adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is
$836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."

        NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT
up, too.  Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's 
study for  the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982.  Didn't you read
it?"
Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left
your  soiled underwear in my bath house."

        * Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.

        Memorize this list:

                Let me put it this way
                In terms of
                Vis-a-vis
                Per se
                As it were
                Qua
                So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as 
"Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e."  These are all short for "I speak Latin, and
you do not."

Here's how to use these words and phrases.  Suppose you want to 
say:

"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't
have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that.  But you WILL win if you
say: "Let me put it this way.  In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis
Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often,
so  to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were.
Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

        * Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back
at  your opponents when they make valid points.  The best are:

        You're begging the question.
        You're being defensive.
        Don't compare apples and oranges.
        What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable.  Nobody, other than
mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

        You say                 As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
        Your opponents says     Lincoln died in 1865.
        You say                 You're begging the question.

                             OR

        You say                 Liberians, like most Asians...
        Your opponents says     Liberia is in Africa.
        You say                 You're being defensive.


        * Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously
right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say:
"That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or
"You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

You now know how to out-argue anybody.  Do not try to
pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.


http://www.sonic.net/~paul/humour/msg00065.html
_________________________________________________
Use Rhodes22-list@rhodes22.org, Help? www.rhodes22.org/list