[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Wed May 14 10:24:10 EDT 2003

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. 

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. 

"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy. 

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. 

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. 

"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy. 

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. 

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. 

"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy. 

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! To the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?" 

The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!" 

(Mumf note: hey -don't shoot the messenger!)

 - from Carol Bagshaw

--

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I were kind to animals, helped people, gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

++

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his ax has fallen into water.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.

One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, you will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes this time."

The moral of the story is whenever a man lies it is for an honorable and useful reason. (Mumf note: Amen!)

++

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. 

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: 

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. 

Here is a guide to the points system: 

SIMPLE DUTIES 
You make the bed....+1 
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0 
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1 
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5 
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0 
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.-1 
When the toilet paper runs out you use the next bathroom.... -2 
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...+5 
In the snow .....+8 
But return with beer.....-5 
And no liners.....-25 
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0 
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0 
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5 
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10 
It's her cat.....-40 

AT THE PARTY 
You stay by her side the entire party.....0 
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college 
drinking buddy.....-2 
Named Tiffany.....-4 
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10 
With breast implants.....-18 

HER BIRTHDAY 
You remember her birthday.....0 
You buy a card and flowers.....0 
You take her out to dinner.....0 
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1 
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2 
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3 
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team ...-10 

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS 
Go with a pal.....0 
The pal is happily married.....+1 
The pal is single.....-7 
He drives a Ferrari.....-10 
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15 

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER 
You take her to a movie.....+2 
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4 
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6 
You take her to a movie you like.....-2 
It's called Death Cop III.....-3 
Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls.....-9 
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..-15 

YOUR PHYSIQUE 
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15 
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10 
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.....-30 
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800 

THE BIG QUESTION: 
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" 

You hesitate in responding.....-10 
You reply, "Where?".....-35 
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100 
Any other response.....-20 

COMMUNICATION: 
When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying a concerned _expression..... 0 
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5 
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50 
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?".....-100 
You have fallen asleep.....-200 

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH 
You talk.....-100 
You don't talk.....-150 
You spend time with her......-200 
You don't spend time with her.....-500 
You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000 

GAME OVER - YOU LOSE

 - from Jimi Pocius

--

The Whys of Men 

 1. WHY  DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? 
        (because they are  plugged into a genius) 
 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING  FOREPLAY? 
        (they don't have enough time) 
 3. WHY DOES  IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? 
        (they  don't stop to ask directions) 
 4. WHY  DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR  BACKS? 
        ( because their  balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)
 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN  DOGS? 
         (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail  parties) 
 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE  WOMEN? 
         (you need a rough draft before you make a  final copy) 
 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? 
        (don't know...... it never  happened) 
 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON  EARTH? 
        (because a vibrator can't  mow the lawn) 

 - from Karen Hallgren

--

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service, ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how it works. You have three wishes." 

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor." 

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" 

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.  "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink." 

***POOF*** 

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. 

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." 

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." 

***POOF*** 

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. 

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" 

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." 

***POOF*** 

He is turned into a tampon. 

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be  a string attached.

 - from Peter Kent