[Rhodes22-list] Joke: Weapons of Math Instruction

[Bill Effros]

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, and a calculator.

Attorney General John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious "Al Gebra" movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al Gebra" is a notorious cult. It desires average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes goes off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. It consists of shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns," we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

President Bush congratulated Attorney General Ashcroft, saying "You have given the American People a sine that our government is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are so willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. These statistic bastards love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, it's time we differentiated their root, made our point, and drew the line.

"As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every angle, and if God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.

"These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scale never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex. 

"As my dad used to say, 'Read my ellipse!' 

"Here is one principle he is uncertainty of---though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered and the hypotenuse will tighten around their necks."