[Rhodes22-list] lots of jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court
judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

++
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you
will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

++
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped
together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay,
she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster,
champagne -- the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you
like this at home?"

"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid."

======================================================================
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.

"Joe," Bill said, "I'm glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the
house."

"Things have been different with my wife," Joe said. "In fact, just the
other day, I decided to show her who was the boss."

"How did you do that?" asked Bill.

"I simply said to her 'Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I'm
going to show you who the boss is in this relationship."

"What happened?"

"Well, I don't want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and
knees."

"How did you do that?"

"I was hiding under the bed at the time."

======================================================================
"Doctor, I'm having that dream again." the patient said.

"Oh?" The shrink replies. "Which one?"

"The one where I'm into sadism, necrophilia, and beastiality. Should I be
worried or am I beating a dead horse?"

=====================================================================
A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor. The
doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want
to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it
to the father."

So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked
the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the
father and the husband said "I feel okay, turn it up more" so the doctor
turned it up to 50%. And the husband said "Why don't you just put it all on
me, because I'm not feeling a thing."

But the doctor warned them "This much could kill you if you're not
prepared." The husband replied "I am ready." So the doctor turned the
machine up to 100% but the husband didn't feel a thing.

So they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the
mailman was dead on the front porch.

======================================================================
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in a
car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found
themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and
the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now
overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people
entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know
or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then
you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report
on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper
appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was
correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the
philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can
ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared
next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was
correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the
mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil
brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just
that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing
up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to
Heaven.

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
http://www.disinfotainment.com/faux/

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train
stop and her son saying: "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off
now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting
on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son: "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for
TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with train, but I want you to use
nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say: "All
passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of
your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding, we ask
you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey
with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added: "For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the
kitchen!"

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--
 o I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
 o I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
 o Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 o I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
 o When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
 o Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
 o I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
 o I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
 o What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
 o How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
 o Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
 o Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
 o For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

 - from Rick Boulé

--
1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage

1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office

1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2002: Depends

++
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in
1985.

 - They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
 - Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
 - Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
 - The CD was introduced the year they were born.
 - They have always had an answering machine.
 - They have always had cable.
 - They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
 - Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
 - Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
 - They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
 - They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
 - They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
 - They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or
"de plane Boss, de plane".
 - They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
 - McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
 - They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

 - from John Raso

--

This method of learning Chine'e works better if you recite them out loud:

 1) That's not right ......................... Sum Ting Wong .

 2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding .

 3) See me ASAP............................... Kum Hia Nao .

 4) Stupid Man ............................... Dum Fuk .

 5) Small Horse .............................. Tai Ni Po Ni .

 6) Did you go to the beach? ................. Wai Yu So Tan .

 7) I bumped into a coffee table ............. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni .

 8) I think you need a face lift ............. Chin Tu Fat .

 9) It's very dark in here ................... Wao So Dim .

10) I thought you were on a diet ............. Wai Yu Mun Ching .

11) This is a tow away zone .................. No Pah King .

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Na o .

13) Staying out of sight ..................... Lei Ying Lo.

14) He's cleaning his automobile ............. Wa Shing Ka .

15) Your body odor is offensive .............. Yu Stin Ki Pu .

16) Great .................................... Fa Kin Su Pah .

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--
(Mumf note: the first eight pictures could be named "8 Reasons for Never
Passing Out at Mumford's Parties")

bild*.jpg and day_after*.jpg all from Kevin "Hey, I've Been There" Haggerty

retiredhootersgirls.jpg from Sandy Fraser (Mumf query: can you tell which
one is her?)

--

Business Quotes

 o Better three hours too soon than one minute too late. - Shakespeare
 o Boss or Leader? A Boss creates fear; A Leader creates confidence. Bossism
creates resentment; Leadership breeds enthusiasm. A Boss says: I; A Leader
says: We. A Boss fixes blame; A Leader fixes mistakes. A Boss knows how; A
Leader shows how. Bossism makes work drudgery; Leadership makes work
interesting. A Boss relies on authority; A Leader relies on co-operation. A
Boss drives; A Leader leads. - Anonymous
 o Effective managers manage themselves and the people they work with so
that both the organization and the people profit from their presence. - Dan
Kelly and all his friends
 o Buying cheap to save money is like stopping the clock to save time;
neither works. - Quote from Think and Grow Rich
 o Excellent firms don't believe in excellence; Only in constant improvement
and constant change. - Tom Peters
 o Feel the power of team work; If you know that a drop of water easily gets
dried And a pool of water hardly gets dried. - Brian Hu
 o Advice is like snow; The softer it falls the longer it dwells upon And
the deeper it sinks into the mind. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge
 o Authority does not make you a leader It gives you the opportunity to be
one. - Anonymous
 o Be thankful for problems or idiots would have your job. - Author unknown
 o Criticize and complain diplomatically: Praise something else first. -
Contributed by Amit Shah
 o If you don't care, your customers never will. - Marlene Blaszczyk
 o Lead by example not by force. - Contributed by Dan Kelly and all his
friends
 o Motivate them, train them, care about them, and make winners out of them;
We know that if we treat our employees correctly they'll treat the customers
right and if customers are treated right they'll come back. - J Marriot, Jr.
 o Motivation is what gets you started, habit is what keeps you going. - Jim
Ryun
 o Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. -
Contributed by Jeff Pappas
 o Obstacles are the those frightful things you see when you take your mind
off your goals. - Contributed by Sophie & Charlotte Burtt
 o Partnerships are the basis for success. - Neal Prescot Washington
 o People who feel good about themselves, produce good results. - Submitted
by Dan Kelly and all his friends
 o Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let
go. - William Feather
 o The bitterness of poor quality remains long after low pricing is
forgotten!!! - Leon M Cautillo
 o The desire to have things done quickly Invariably prevents them from
being done thoroughly. - Sent by Jody C Burnett
 o The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't being
said. - Anonymous
 o The only safe ship in a storm is leadership. - Contributed by Nadine Bent
 o The sale begins when the customer says yes. - Harvey Mackay
 o Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make
them all yourself. - Anonymous
 o To lead a symphony you must occasionally turn your back on the crowd. -
Anonymous
 o Ask five economists and you'll get five different answers (six if one
went to Harvard).. - Edgar R. Fiedler
 o Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.. -
John Kenneth Galbraith
 o Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will
do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone. - Keynes
 o Money couldn't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy. - Spike
Milligan
 o An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides
correctly, but he always decides. - John H. Patterson
 o An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he
predicted yesterday didn't happen today. - Laurence J. Peter
 o Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex: you thought of nothing else
if you didn't have it, and thought of other things if you did.
 o I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position. - Mark Twain
 o When its a question of money, everybody is of the same religion. -
Voltaire
 o A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as
afterward. - Anonymous
 o Use soft words in hard arguments. - H. G. Bohn, 1855
 o A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you actually look forward to the trip. - Caskie Stinnett
 o Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of
value. - Albert Einstein
 o There are two rules for success... 1) Never tell everything you know. -
Roger H. Lincoln
 o If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y is
play. Z is keep your mouth shut. - Albert Einstein
 o The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it
made. - Jean Gieraudoux
 o If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver
nothing. - Napoleon Bonaparte
 o It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. - Author unknown
 o Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted. - Author unknown
 o If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame. - Author unknown
 o The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the
other 90% of the time. - Author unknown
 o Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves,
some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all! - Author unknown
 o I love my work, I could sit and watch it all day long. - Author unknown
 o If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something. - Author unknown
 o Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. - Author unknown
 o Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. - Author unknown
 o Price. Quality. Service: Pick two. - Author unknown
 o Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. -
Author unknown
 o After all is said and done, more is said than done. - Author unknown
 o People who do the world's real work don't usually wear neckties. - Author
unknown
 o Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was
going to blame it on you." - Author unknown
 o Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by
killing all those who opposed them. - Author unknown (Mumf note: but I
suspect Fred Frost!)
 o "Granted, Mr. Wheeler's ideas are stupid and unreasonable, but he does
own the company and I think we should go along with him..." - Author unknown
 o "Illegitmitatum Non Carborundum Est" - Never let the bastards grind you
down! - Author unknown

--
When British carmaker Mini began its push in the U.S., its motto was "The
SUV backlash officially starts now." Now it appears a U.K. mobile phone
retailer is leading the e-mail backlash. The CEO of Phones 4U Ltd. has
banned e-mail from his 2,500-employee company. But he doesn't see his order
as a ban -- he thinks he's freed his staff from their computer captors. John
Caudwell said that he got tired of seeing his staff spend hours in front of
their computers; he would rather they interact with colleagues and customers
in the flesh or, of course, on the phone. Now all we need is for a PC maker
to ban cell phones.

--
Here's a whole new take on the crank call. A company in Japan has cranked
out a mobile phone charger that would make the Professor on "Gilligan's
Island" proud: A charger that requires no electricity and no batteries. Just
elbow grease. You turn a crank on the handheld generator for five minutes,
and it gives your cell phone 20 minutes of battery power. It's a great thing
to have in an emergency -- say in the event you're shipwrecked on a desert
isle after a three-hour tour, and there isn't a plug within 1,000 miles.

--
Ahh, Italy. Food. Fashion. A tower that leans.

And cell phones that call out cheaters.

It's true. Though there is something very unromantic about sending or
receiving a love letter via text message, apparently Italians send them in
droves -- to people other than their spouses.

That's amore?

Now the nosy spouses are finding love notes and unexplained phone numbers
with greater frequency because they are stored in cell phone memory.

It's not clear why cell phones are doing such a bang-up job busting
adulterers, but the fact that the Italian mobile phone marketplace has about
92.4% penetration may have something to do with it.

One reason people use their mobile phones to call and SMS to page their
paramours is that it's so easy to do, said Mariam Tomponzi, a private
investigator. The cheater can type in an illicit message while talking to
anyone, including the unknowing spouse, without anyone ever realizing.

Tomponzi's firm conducted a study and found that, in about 90% of cases, the
cell phone exposed the affair.

One divorce lawyer said that divorces in Italy are up, particularly in
September and October, just after the summer holidays. This is when spouses
tend to discover their partners' infidelities. Instead of the cheater
dropping the affair for the summer, it continues via cell phone and SMS,
creating more opportunities to get caught.

--
BERLIN, Conn. (AP) -- Hurricane Isabel brought unholy high winds and lashing
rain to the East Coast. It also dumped something almost biblical on
Connecticut.

Primo D'Agata was startled by what he thought was hail smacking on his porch
Sept. 19 as the remnants of Isabel moved through the state. But when he went
outside to investigate, D'Agata discovered tiny, gelatinous eggs with dark
spots in the middle.

It had apparently been raining frogs.

Since no frogs in Connecticut lay eggs this late in the year, scientists and
naturalists speculate they may have come up from North Carolina or another
warm location on the winds of Isabel.

D'Agata brought a bowl of his mysterious find to a nearby nature center,
after the town's animal control officer couldn't identify what had arrived
in his yard.

Nicolas Diaz, a naturalist and teacher at New Britain Youth Museum at
Hungerford Park, took a look at D'Agata's bowl and told him it looked like
amphibian eggs.

D'Agata is keeping two small, water-filled glass jars of the eggs to see if
any of them will hatch. He said a few seem to have sprouted what look like a
tail.

"I'm going to let them sit and see what happens," D'Agata said Wednesday.

 - from Jimi Pocius