[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

A small Wild Animal Park in North Carolina acquired a very rare species of
gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very
difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie
Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the
animals' cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the
gorilla for $500?

Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over
carefully.

The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under the following four conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park
administrator quickly agreed to this condition. "Second," Eddie said, "you
must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily
agreed to this condition. "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to
be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.

And last of all Eddie stated "You've got to give me another week to come up
with the $500."

 - from Gary Savage

--
(Mumf note this next one is a classic from first time contributor, Rick "I
Love a Buffett Party w/ My Margaritas!" Boulé:)

>From the state where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a
true story from Texas:

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated
that he could barely walk.  The man stumbled around the parking lot for a
few minutes with the officer quietly observing.  After what seemed an
eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles the man managed to
find his own car which he fell into.  He was there for a few minutes as a
number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.  Finally he started the
car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard
flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.  He
moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained
stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.

At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down
the street.  The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the
man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.  To his amazement the
breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at
all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the Police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

 - from Rick Boulé

--
(Mumf note: in response to one of the 'Ticklers, Jimi Pocius writes the
following:)

"... Some of the artists from the 60's are re-releasing their hits with new
lyrics to accommodate us.....good news, for those feeling a bit older and
missing those great old tunes..."

Hey Mumf, how about: 'President's Son' by Creedence Clearwater Unrevivable?

++
A teacher asked her class "What do you want out of life"?

A little girl in the back raised her hand and said "All I want out of life
is four animals".

The teacher asked "really and what four animals would that be"?

The little girl said "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in
bed and a jackass to pay for all of it".

++
Things you can do with absolutely nothing...

Push your eyes for interesting light show:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and
flashes.  Try to make out things - is your subconscious trying to send you a
message?  Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with
different forces?  Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on
TV?  Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this?

See how long you can hold your breath:
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes
the time.  Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best.  Some
tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.

Try to not think about polar bears:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by
trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of.  If
you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.

Scratch yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now.  Even if
nothing itches, go ahead.  Doesn't that feel pretty good?

Hurt yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain?  Why is it unpleasant?
There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind.  Plus, after
pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

Try to swallow your tongue:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about this one.
It is possible.

Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster.  It takes
about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then
viewable for about the same length of time.  Fun to combine this one with
pushing on your eyes.

Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and
spinning around.  Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up.  This is also
entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt
Yourself").

Things you can do with very little:

See what's in your neighbor's trash:
(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by
what they throw out.  You might uncover some dark secret about them.  Plus,
they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a
VCR.

Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining.  Fun to pretend
the people on the screen are actually talking that way.

Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one has thought of
this before.  Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a
letter like that!  I'm pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call,
too.

Make prank phone calls:
(Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires
discipline.  Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the
other person to believe a ridiculous story will.  Even more fun if you get a
bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the
calls.  One to get you started off: Call McDonald's, try to make
reservations.

Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you:
(Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really
happened?  Would the group stay together, or would there be factions?  Who
would join what group?  Remember, there would only be power for a few days
before the plants ran out of fuel or broke.  To travel, you would always
have to be near cars to siphon gas out of.  Best to do with people you know.

Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you
have to have a good imagination.  Don't step off immediately, build up to
the jump.  Study the ravine below.  Feel the winds at that altitude.  Step
off and...  AHHHHHH!!!!!

Burn things with a magnifying glass:
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but
burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be
just as entertaining.

Things you can do with another person:

Have a water drinking contest:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you
probably won't feel too good afterward.  To give your event an old western
theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.

Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I'm
being watched" principle.  Conduct an experiment--does this really work?

Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose.
Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose.  Not trying at all makes
you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:
(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen
the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you
metric fans).  It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your
desk, the tops of shelves, etc.  Try looking at things from its point of
view, too.

Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people.  Added
challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on
anyone else.  Try to beat your record number of times before the person
catches on.

Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck:
(Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag.  For an even bigger
reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they
think you did.  Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how
there was a lot of mucus in that one.

 - from Jimi Pocius

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