[Rhodes22-list] (no subject)

[Michael Meltzer]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of
drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give
$500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness
back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even
leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the
Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking
them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives
the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you
go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see
if I could do it first."

++
Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks
"Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes,
what would you like?"

Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never
gets empty.

"Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was
delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guinness bottle for weeks then he
remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the
Genie appeared.

"Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?"

"You know that magic, never-ending Guinness bottle?" he asks the Genie.
"Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them."

++
Two Irishmen, Murphy and O'Brian grew up in the same village together. They
were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down
the street from one another. But now, Murphy had cancer, and was lying on
his deathbed, surrounded by his friends. He calls, "O'Brian, come 'ere
O'Brian. I 'ave a request for ye."

O'Brian walks to his friends bedside and kneels down. "O'Brian, we've been
friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir
ye to do."

O'Brian bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in
all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they
plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave
so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all
eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend's
request. "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey.
But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--
You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get
married and wish you were dead.
--------------------------------------------------
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You
order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish
you had ordered that.
--------------------------------------------------
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I
married the wrong man."
--------------------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I
married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

--------------------------------------------------
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."
--------------------------------------------------
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a
man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me,
sympathy?"
--------------------------------------------------
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her
keep him.
--------------------------------------------------
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
--------------------------------------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
--------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
--------------------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know
his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
--------------------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I
got married; by then it was too late."
--------------------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."
--------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage
is the triumph of hope over experience.
--------------------------------------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
say, talk in your sleep.
--------------------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
--------------------------------------------------
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the
boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
--------------------------------------------------
During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn
to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The
wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love,
we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
--------------------------------------------------
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as
both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of
course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
--------------------------------------------------
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men
fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
--------------------------------------------------
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
--------------------------------------------------
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
--------------------------------------------------
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry
done for free.
--------------------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.
--------------------------------------------------
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's
still alive."
--------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.