[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

What do you call a stewardess who gives a passenger a hand job? A highjacker

++
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them
in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his
wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his
ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in
deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then
shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the
father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled
for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought
the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's
wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows
older?!"

The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

++
What do you call a blonde bird? A swallow.

++
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the
condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really
hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having
dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling
I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the
time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits
down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give
the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for
several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a
religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father
is a pharmacist."

++
Female: "Do you prefer panty hose or bare legs?"
Male: "I prefer something in-between."

++
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his
office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage
or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one
chair."

++
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great enthusiasm he
said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the
river." With even greater enthusiasm he said, "And if I had all the wine in
the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he
said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it
into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For
our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

 - from John Raso

--
She was Soooooooo Blonde...
 ... She thought a quarterback was a refund.
 ... She thought General Motors was in the army.
 ... She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
 ... She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
 ... At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote
"Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
 ... She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
 ... She sent a fax with a stamp on it
 ... Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
 ... She tripped over a cordless phone.
 ... She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can ! because it said
"Concentrate."
 ... She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
 ... She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
 ... She studied for a blood test.
 ... She sold the car for gas money.
 ... When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
 ... When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left,"
she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
 ... When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
 ... She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
 ... She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
 ... She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This
Goes In Front."

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is Soooooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
 ... She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

 - from Lucy Nicoll

--
The all nude police officer calendar for 2004 comes in an all-male and an
all-female version. All pics show full frontal nudity, for both female and
male versions. Just click on the menu to select which one you want to view.
They are available for sale on the site -- the calendars, not the officers.
Click on the site below to view all 12 (24) totally nude police officers.

http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf

 - from Fred Frost