[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Wed Aug 4 01:03:10 EDT 2004

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and
then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights
out of me."

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's my entire fault, today is my
first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 35
years."

 - from Lucy Nicoll

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http://www.ahajokes.com/crt876.html

 - from Kevin Haggerty

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Things you won't hear on the Band Bus

 1. Ladies, I'll need to see some proof of age, please.
 2. Boy, I can't wait 'till we get to Maine.
 3. No, I could hear the monitor just fine, I screwed up.
 4. I walked her home, kissed her goodnight, and came straight back to the
bus.
 5. Go ahead and roll 'em down the aisle, they're only cymbals.
 6. Should we go back and get the drummer?
 7. The leader nailed every tempo perfectly again tonight!
 8. Wow! Everybody played perfectly in tune all night long, again!
 9. Boy, it sure is fun playing all those old Glenn Miller arrangements!
10. Can you believe all the money we're getting?
11. Gee, I wish Buddy were here!
12. Man, I wish we could get the guitar player to turn up a bit louder.
13. Why are all guitar players such good sight readers?
14. Hey, who cleaned up in here, this bus smells like a spring breeze.
15. I sure hope we reach the next town in time for Mass.
16. Gee what a great career! Sure glad I didn't become a dermatologist like
I'd planned!
17. I can't wait to get to my private hotel room so I can have eight hours'
uninterrupted sleep, a swim in the pool and a couple of margaritas with my
complimentary steak dinner before the gig!
18. Yeah, I got into music mainly because of the job security, the benefits
and opportunities for advancement...and these great bus trips, of course!
19. We close Sacramento Saturday and open Sioux Falls Monday - Sunday's sure
gonna be fun!
20. Hey guys, let's do 99 bottles of beer just one more time, ok?
21. So, are you more heavily invested in balanced or growth funds?
22. Nice to be back in this cozy bus again, hangin' with my pals.
23. We better get home so I can get to work in the morning!

 - from Jimi Pocius

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(Mumf note: this next one is from John Redfield and it is as if he bugged
one of the conversations between one of my sales reps and one of my
customers!)

Those old enough to remember Abbott and Costello or have ever seen their
"Who's on First" routine should appreciate this. A new take on Abbott and
Costello. Costello wants to buy a Computer from Abbott.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say,
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch
them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great, with what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1."

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It Pretty
much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even Part of
Office.

COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you
have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(LATER)

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??

ABBOTT: Click on "START

 - from John Redfield

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