[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

(Mumf note: this will take a while to load -- give it a couple minutes, then
hit the play button)

http://www.pixar.com/theater/trailers/incredibles/teaser_640.html

 - from Srini Yalavarthy

--
Thanks to the Internet, a Florida man will get his car back -- 20 years
after someone stole it from outside his Bronx home. The man, a former NYPD
detective, had given up the ghost -- or in this case, the 1968 Mercury
Cougar -- years ago. But thanks to an Internet community of Cougar
collectors, one of whom was doing some research on a Cougar he saw for sale
in a New York newspaper, man and machine will be reunited. Another man will
be united with charges of possession of stolen property.

--
(Mumf note: this next submission is an actual case study from the
submitter...)

Is housework and chores keeping you away from the internet? Here are some
sure fire short cuts that will have you back online in no time!

Simply close the lid of the toilet. Close the shower door or curtain. For
the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath, pour some Lysol in the trash can.
That should hold you until you finally get someone to empty the trash.
And....then send the kids outside to the ol' wash tub.

Laundry? Find a good place to hide it! Turn your clothes inside out and they
will last another week. For odors......spray with cologne. If you absolutely
need to do it, like you have no underwear (heck who needs underwear), wash
them then stick them in the dryer. When it is time to fold them, DON'T! Just
run the dryer to get out the wrinkles when you need new clothes.

Call up a salesman for a vacuuming demonstration. Have him show you how the
vacuum works in all parts of the house. Insist that even though the carpet
looks the same, it really is different in all parts of the house. Some
valuable tips for success: Don't always call same company, keep a chart and
rotate. If there are any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit the
cat. You may have to add some tuna water to spot in order to insure a
thorough job. It's about time they earned their keep!

Wash the car? NAH!! Move it into the garage. Heck, you don't use it anyway.
It's not like anyone is going to see you drive it!

If it doesn't come off in the dishwasher, call grandpa to come help. He's
always willing to do anything for you. For really stubborn crud, just throw
the dish out and start fresh. An even better idea, use paper plates, plastic
utensils, paper napkins, etc. Write everyone's name on the plate or cup so
they can use it over n' over n' over.

Mowing problems solved! Raise goats for some extra income. Set them loose in
the yard and they will keep the grass trimmed nice and neat. Plus they'll
eat any of the debris that gets in the yard. Sell them in the winter, then
you can start with a new bunch in the spring.

Now ya' have time for the net!!!

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
If you're a big fan of the Texas prison system's Web site (and who isn't?),
you're going to go hungry for one detail: the infamous last meal on death
row. Past repasts of the condemned have been posted on the site --
everything from one prisoner's tea and cookies to another's request for two
chili cheese dogs, two cheeseburgers, onion rings, a turkey salad with
fries, egg rolls, chocolate cake, apple pie, butter pecan ice cream, one
peach, three Dr. Peppers, jalapenos, ketchup and mayonnaise. But officials
in Texas, which has the busiest death row in the U.S., have dropped the
morbid menu from the site. Why? People complained that it was in poor taste.

--
14 BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN MASSACHUSETTS

 1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Massachusetts driver
never uses them.
 2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and
the car in front of you or the space will be filled in by somebody else,
putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
 3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you
have of getting hit.
 4. Never ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and
it will result in you being rear ended.
 5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
Massachusetts is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have
anything to lose.
 6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your
ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal
pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a nice chance to stretch your
legs.
 7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way
to scare people entering the highway.
 8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are
apparently not enforceable in Massachusetts during rush hour.
 9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or
move over doesn't mean that a Massachusetts driver flashing his high beams
behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone
changing a tire.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of high-speed slalom
driving thanks to the State Highway Department which puts potholes in key
locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
12. It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that don't
move the instant the light changes.
13. Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get there
first, by whatever means necessary.
14. In the Boston area, flipping someone the bird is considered a polite MA
salute. This gesture should always be returned.

 - from Sandy Fraser, who will NOT drive in Massachusetts with all of those
Massholes!

--
Mumf note: not everyone on this list will be able to relate to these -- as
if I care! Have a great night tonight!! I'll be at Rob Brucato's New Year's
Eve Party tonight and all are welcome!!)

The top IT quotes of 2003

 o "Howard ... is a smart guy. I didn't always agree with him, but I would
prefer to have a smart guy in there who I don't always agree with than a
dumb guy who always agrees with me." No, that wasn't Al Gore on Howard Dean.
That was technologist Bruce Schneier, offering his views on former
cybersecurity czar Howard Schmidt, in an interview with TechTarget's
SearchSecurity.com. Schneier made his comments back in May -- the same month
Schmidt stepped down from his post, raising questions about the direction of
federal cybersecurity efforts. But Schneier's was only one of many pithy
perspectives offered in the tech news world this year. Here are some other
highlights.

Best insults

"Let's be clear. The Linux GUI is a pathetic little toy compared with the
Microsoft GUI." -- Windows expert Mike Minasi (SearchWin2000.com).

"Why is this ugly stepchild of a handicapped operating system still gaining
market share?" -- Unix administrator Eugene Fleischmann, reacting to
analysts' predictions that Windows might one day dominate the data center
(Search390.com).

"We've been doing trustworthy computing for 25 years." -- Mary Ann Davidson,
Oracle's chief security officer, making a slight dig at Microsoft and its
"Trustworthy Computing" initiative (SearchSecurity.com).

"So Dell basically claimed that R&D is overrated. Let me say the choice is
between heaven or Dell." -- Scott McNealy, Sun Microsystems Inc.'s CEO, in a
keynote address at OracleWorld (SearchOracle.com).

Attempts to persuade, and rebuttals

"This is a good deal for PeopleSoft customers, who will receive extended
product support, and for PeopleSoft shareholders, who are looking at a
substantial cash offer from a more viable company." -- Robb Eklund, Oracle's
vice president for CRM marketing, after the database giant launched a
hostile takeover of PeopleSoft (SearchCRM.com).

"At first, I really did think it was a joke. PeopleSoft stock was trading
for $18 a share and Oracle was offering $16. It didn't make any sense, but
then again it is Oracle. I'll let you draw your own conclusions." -- Bob
Dutkowsky, then-CEO of J.D. Edwards & Co., panning the database giant for
its hostile takeover attempt of PeopleSoft. Oracle's campaign was
threatening PeopleSoft's friendly acquisition of JDE, which has since been
completed (SearchCRM.com).

"We are not trying to kill Linux. ... We are trying to deal with the
problem, but we are shouted down. So we'll go to court, put our case on the
table and say, 'Here we go boys; here's the problem. It's either clean it up
or shut it down. And this kind of cleanup is an Exxon-Valdez kind of
cleanup. It's not simple." -- Darl McBride, CEO of the SCO Group, which is
suing IBM over allegations that Big Blue illegally contributed proprietary
SCO code to Linux (SearchEnterpriseLinux.com).

"SCO is unhappy about the fact that IBM wasn't their exclusive valentine,
and that IBM screwed around with other partners after having dated SCO." --
Linus Torvalds, mocking SCO's allegations against IBM, which is a former
business partner of SCO SearchEnterpriseLinux.com).

Words of enthusiasm

"The coolest thing was one time at Lotusphere, seeing a beta of R6 and
people were cheering. This was a software presentation, and people were
cheering like it was a Cubs game." -- Deloitte & Touche manager Mike Nemec
(SearchDomino.com).

"The certification has been the catalyst to going from Linux secretly at
work to Linux frequently at work." -- Joe Sechman, a webmaster and open
source enthusiast, describing the political impact of Linux certification
programs (SearchEnterpriseLinux.com).

"We built a new continent in cyberspace where we could go live and be free.
And the nice thing is that, because we built it, we didn't have to steal it
from aboriginal peoples. It was completely empty, and we invite everyone to
live there with us. No immigration restrictions." -- Richard Stallman, on
the virtues of the free-software world (SearchEnterpriseLinux.com).

"SAP is the marquee brand in this space, not dissimilar to certain German
cars that Americans absolutely rave about." -- Bill McDermott, CEO of SAP
America (SearchSAP.com).

"SAP has, hands-down, the best products out there. I love SAP and continue
to use its products in spite of its murky marketing." -- Lou Costello, an
SAP user who works for a manufacturing company in Memphis, Tenn.
(SearchSAP.com).

Sad truths

"We've focused on treats, and security is like vegetables." -- Jonathan
Zuck, president of the Association for Competitive Technology
(SearchWin2000.com).

"It's hard to dance with two elephants at once." -- Erin Kinikin, a Giga
Information Group analyst, on the challenge inherent to Siebel Systems
Inc.'s decision to partner with IBM as well as Microsoft (SearchCRM.com).

"It's not a good time to be a vendor. Anyone who is not beating up on their
IT vendors and suppliers for better pricing or sweeter deals is subject to
being held in disgrace by their peers." -- Kavin Moody, executive director
of Babson College's Center for Information Management Studies
(SearchCIO.com).

Admission

"The open source development model -- the way people exchange ideas -- is
definitely worth emulating." -- Jason Musatow, manager of Microsoft's Shared
Source Initiative (SearchWin2000.com).

Close call

"Some would say we were twins separated at birth." -- Craig Conway, CEO of
PeopleSoft Inc., in June, explaining how his company is a perfect fit for
J.D. Edwards & Co., which PeopleSoft was then in the process of acquiring
(SearchCRM.com).

Perspectives

"The big problem with our business is, we've been pre-sold and over-sold by
science fiction. We have insane expectations that [have] been built by
fantasy. We have cell phones modeled after the flip phones you saw on Star
Trek. I'll bet those guys were never in cell hell."-- Windows expert Mark
Minasi (SearchWin2000.com).

"You can't have American jobs at Indian rates. Choose one." -- Tsvi Gal, CIO
of Warner Music Group, talking about the practice of outsourcing jobs to
India, where salaries are significantly lower (SearchCIO.com).

"I would say it's in the toddler stage. ... I would say the technology is up
and walking around, but it doesn't know exactly what it's going to do when
it grows up." -- Tim Thatcher, program director for e-portals marketing in
IBM's WebSphere group, talking about Web services (SearchWebServices.com).

Predictions

"Kids graduating from colleges a few years from now will look back at the
way we've worked in the past and ask themselves how we survived in this
state of anarchy." -- Adam Bosworth, chief architect for BEA Systems Inc.,
talking about the extent to which XML-based Web services will change the
industry (SearchCIO.com).

"I don't know when this happens, whether it's 800 years or three years from
now, but at the end of the game, we become the phone company." -- Storage
analyst Steve Duplessie, on the changes that utility computing may bring
(SearchStorage.com).

"Proprietary software reminds me of ancient alchemists who told people there
was only one truth and it was secret and you had to get it from them. The
open source community says, 'Here's the code. Do with it what you will.' I
liken it to the scientific method, which is why I believe open source will
dominate ultimately." -- Jeremy Allison, a developer with the Samba Team
(SearchEnterpriseLinux.com).

"Well, I'm not in the business of making predictions, but I know that we'll
be around." -- SAP America CEO Bill McDermott, after being asked whether
Oracle and SAP would be the last two ERP firms left standing
(SearchSAP.com).

--