[Rhodes22-list] joke, made sure the Politics are at the top :-)

[Michael Meltzer]

Men and women of the Armed Services and their wonderful sense of humor.

Have you heard what the troops are calling the Sikorsky Blackhawk helicopter
Hillary Clinton used on her Iraq tour?

"Broomstick One"

 - from Dave Houpert

--
The Democrats are complaining on how long the war is taking but consider
this ...

 o It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch
Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation.
 o It took less time to find Saddam's sons in Iraq than it took Hillary
Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.
 o It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to
destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the
police after his Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick.

It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida!

Man, our military is GREAT!!!

 - from Gary Savage

--
A Mexican drinks his Tequila and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls
out a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Mexico, our glasses
are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

An Iraqi obviously impressed by this, drinks his camel beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his AK 47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He
says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need
to drink out of the same glass twice either!"

A US Marine, cool as a cucumber, picks up his Miller Lite and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his M-9 Biretta and shoots the
Mexican and the Iraqi. He says "In America we have so many Mexicans and
Arabs that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

++
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up
on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaims.

"No," said the genie, "you have been very bad in recent years, and because
of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that
due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I
write my book, my TV show, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money
I could ever want.

"I know.....I would like to get rid of these love handles, though... Yes,
that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

POOF!!!!!

And just like that ... her ears were gone!

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
http://members.cox.net/classicweb/email.htm

 - from Nancy Bakos

--
If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, it expects what never was and
never will be.
-- Thomas Jefferson


Those who would sacrifice liberty for security deserve neither.
-- Benjamin Franklin


I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me
to tremble for the safety of my country corporations have been enthroned and
an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the
country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of
the people until all wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is
destroyed.
-- Abraham Lincoln


Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the
leaders, that is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being
attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing
the country to danger. It works the same in every country.
-- Hermann Goering (Nazi planner)


Today Americans would be outraged if U.N. troops entered Los Angeles to
restore order; tomorrow they will be grateful especially if their very
existence were threatened (by terrorists). Then they would plead with their
leaders to protect them from evil. The one thing every person fears is the
unknown.
-- Henry Kissinger

--
The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against
a wall. The owner asks the clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the
wall?"

The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for
his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, I gave him an entire bottle of
laxative."

The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough
with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to
cough!"

 - from Patty Galvin

--
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would
need his wife to wake him at 5:00 a.m. for an early morning business flight
to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM" and laid it on her
nightstand.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and that
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper on his nightstand.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 a.m. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 - from Sue Greene
--
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a
holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something
that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the
trigger again. This time it worked.

**********
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine,
and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance
company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have
a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's
claim was approved.

**********
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the
space. Understandably, he shot her.

**********
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found
that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare
to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver
went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He
then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that
the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The
deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

**********
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he
could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

**********
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her daughter
an examination to determine the cause of her swollen abdomen. It only took
the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother
turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a
good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a
boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The
mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you
paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's
just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and
three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again."

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--
I came across a good Web site, this guy is a photographer from Singapore,
and he has all kinds of cool pictures on his site:

http://megaweb.clubsnap.org/

Look at his main page and click on the "Zoo" links for some neat animals!

http://megaweb.clubsnap.org/d60_zoo14/crw_0845_std.jpg

 - from Fred Frost

--
Today is International Day of The Very Good Looking, Beautiful and Damn
Attractive People, so send this message to someone you think fits this
description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received
over fifty thousand messages and my inbox is jammed.

++
THE WAY TO A HAPPY NEW YEAR

To leave the old with a burst of song;
To recall the right and forgive the wrong;
To forget the things that bind you fast
To the vain regrets of the year that's past;
To have the strength to let go your hold
Of the not worthwhile of the days grown old;
To dare go forth with a purpose true,
To the unknown task of the year that's new;
To help your brother and sister along the road,
To do their work and lift their load;
To add your gift to the world's good cheer,
Is to have and to give a Happy New Year.

 - from Sue Greene

--
OLYMPIA - What kind of friends coat your apartment - and nearly everything
in it - with tinfoil while you're away? Here's a hint: One of the only
objects that escaped the shiny treatment was a book titled "Cruel Tricks for
Dear Friends."

Chris Kirk found his downtown Olympia apartment encased in aluminum foil
when he returned home Monday night from a trip to Los Angeles. The walls,
ceiling, cabinets and everything in between shimmered, after the prank
orchestrated by Kirk's longtime friend, Luke Trerice, 26, who was staying in
the apartment while Kirk was away.

"He's known for large-scale strangeness," Kirk, 33, told The Olympian. "He
warned me that he would be able to touch my stuff, but it didn't sound so
bad."

Trerice, who lives in Las Vegas, and a small group of friends draped the
apartment with about 4,000 square feet of aluminum foil, which cost about
$100. Not surprisingly, the idea was hatched on New Year's Eve. "It was just
a spur of the moment thing," Trerice said. "I really don't even consider it
art. I consider it a psychology project. ... He seems to be upbeat, so I
consider this a success."

No detail was too small or too time-consuming. The toilet paper was
unrolled, wrapped in foil, then rolled back up again. The friends covered
Kirk's book and compact disc collections but made sure each CD case could
open and shut normally. They even used foil on each coin in Kirk's spare
change.

And to sweeten the theme, they left silver Hershey's kisses sprinkled
throughout the apartment. "The toilet was hard. The molding around the
doorways took a very long time," Trerice said. Aside from "Cruel Tricks for
Dear Friends," which doesn't include this particular trick, only a portrait
of his girlfriend, the bed and a bath mat were left unfoiled.

"He took special pains not to move anything," Kirk said. A foil-encased
picture hanging outside his apartment was Kirk's first clue that something
inside was amiss.

"I heard him open the door and gasp and start laughing," said Beth Kelly,
who lives in an apartment down the hall. "I love the quarters. It's almost
more funny realizing the things that were left unwrapped."

Andras Jones, who lives on the same floor, became curious about what was
transpiring in Kirk's apartment as he noticed "a parade of strange
characters" going in and out.

Since Kirk's return the entire building has been buzzing about the
transformation, Jones said. "There's a party atmosphere down by the room,"
Jones said. "Of course, everyone has their favorite part. I think the
kitchen is just amazing."

Kirk's awestruck neighbors and friends kept him up until late Monday night.
He hasn't started unpacking his belongings and isn't sure when he will. As I
was trying to sleep last night, I realized that, actually, it's creepy,"
Kirk said.

And as for whether Trerice will ever be allowed to stay again at the
apartment unsupervised, Kirk said: "I don't know. We'll see."

But Trerice hopes Kirk will find a way to get him back. "I'm going to be
insulted if he doesn't try," Trerice said. "It's kind of a challenge."

++
10 Ways to Cope With Stress

 1. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
 2. Pop some popcorn on the stove without putting the lid on the pot.
 3. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
 4. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
 5. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
 6. Fill-out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
 7. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
 8. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
 9. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
10. Pay your electric bill in pennies.

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a
response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and
explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little
oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's
room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I guess she choked."

++
An Australian man is walking along with a sheep under each arm. He comes
across a mate of his who greets him.

"G'day mate! Shearing?"

"No mate, I'm gonna shag 'em both meself!"

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
 1. What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
    Depends.

 2. What's "68"?
    You do me and I owe you one.

 3. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
    Gagged!

 4. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
    A tearjerker.

 5. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex
life?
    Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

 6. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
    Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

 7. What's the definition of a vagina?
    The box a penis comes in.

 8. What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
    "Nice Dick!"

 9. What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
    Toys for Twats.

10. Why do we have orgasms?
    How else would we know when to stop?

11. What's the definition of indefinitely?
    When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're indefinitely!

12. Define Transvestite:
    A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

13. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
    They are both used as a meat substitute.

14. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
    Brothel sprouts.

15. What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
    Two Mennonite.

16. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
    His hand caught fire.

17. Why is sex like a game of bridge?
    You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand.

18. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
    Gladiator.

19. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
    Sperm is handmade.

20. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
    Put a nipple on it.

21. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
    Slow down and use a lubricant.

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for
her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.  He thought
she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the
point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to
leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said..... "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."

 - from Patty Galvin

--
Why a Beer is Better than a Woman

A beer won't make you go to church.
A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose."
A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of other beers
around.
There is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO reason number six.
A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the
babies are "cute."
If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
"doberperson."
A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk
music on yer fave radio station.
A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat
up.
If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a beer, it won't
think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
A beer won't smoke in your car.
A beer won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an
unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the
sky.
A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
A beer will actually support belching and farting and share yer enthusiasm
for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games
in Barcelona.
A beer is always ready to leave on time.
A beer never fishes for compliments.
Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
Beer tastes good.
If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to
drink it, the beer won't accuse you of "date rape."
A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes'
Greatest Hits" on yer VCR.
An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
A beer won't think the Circle Jerks are gross just because they're called
the Circle Jerks. (They are gross, but that's not why).
A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.
A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy "just for the
articles." (You are lying, but the beer won't accuse you of it).
A beer won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants game
without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League.
A beer won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse "but
I saved a quarter!"
A beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.
A beer will never make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on channel 5 on
Saturday afternoons.
A beer won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman"
instead of "Gene Hackperson."
A beer won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like
STP Oil Treatment.

++
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel
movement in a week!"

The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If
it doesn't work, let me know."

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a
powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you
to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a musician." The doctor looks up and says,

"Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"

++
Pickup Lines and Snappy Comebacks:

I know how to please a woman.
Then please leave me alone.

I want to give myself to you.
Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

May I see you pretty soon?
Don't you think I'm pretty now?

Your hair color is fabulous.
Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

You look like a dream.
Go back to sleep.

I can tell that you want me.
Yes, I want you to leave.

Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Do not enter. or Stop.

I'd go through anything for you.
Let's start with your bank account.

May I have the last dance?
You've just had it.

I would go to the end of the world for you.
Yes, but would you stay there?

Your place or mine?
Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.

Your body is like a temple.
Sorry, there are no services today.

Is this seat empty?
Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
If I could see you naked, I'd die laughing.

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH
THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT ..  THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


  Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
  But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

  *************************

  I thought that I could love no other
  Until, that is, I met your brother.

  **************************

  Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
  But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

  **************************

  Of loving beauty you float with grace
  If only you could hide your face.

  ****************************

  Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
  This describes everything you are not.

  ******************************

  I want to feel your sweet embrace
  But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

  *******************************

  I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
  Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

  ************************************

  My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
  Marrying you screwed up my life.

  ************************************

  I see your face when I am dreaming.
  That's why I always wake up screaming.

  ***************************************

  My love, you take my breath away.
  What have you stepped in to smell this way?

  ****************************************

  My feelings for you no words can tell
  Except for maybe "Go To Hell".

  *****************************************

  What inspired this amorous rhyme?
  Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 - from Sue Greene

--