[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

In 1997, Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch (M-LAW) began a contest to expose how
frivolous lawsuits, and a concern about potential frivolous lawsuits, have
led to a new cultural phenomenon: the wacky warning label.
You have probably heard about the lawsuit over a spilled cup of coffee.
However, there are many other silly lawsuits involving products that have
received far less attention. For example, did you know a man received
$50,000 when he sued a small company that makes basketball nets because he
claimed the company was responsible when he caught his teeth in a net while
dunking a ball? People who make products hear about these outrageous
lawsuits, and they often decide to slap common sense warnings on their
product... "just in case."

Over the years, M-LAW has received hundreds of warning labels from people
around the world. M-LAW verifies the authenticity of each label and selects
the "Top 5" for each year.

Following is a list of some of the best labels from the first five contests:

 o A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions: "This
product not intended for use as a dental drill."
 o A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to "Remove
child before folding"
 o A prescription of sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness"
 o A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan
actually warns: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."
 o A massage chair warns: "DO NOT use massage chair without clothing... and,
Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are
moving."
 o A snow blower warns: "Do not use snow thrower on roof."
 o A dishwasher carries this warning: "Do not allow children to play in the
dishwasher."
 o A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000
as a projectile in a catapult."
 o An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame
or sparks"
 o A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use "while
sleeping or unconscious"
 o A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes"
 o A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner"
 o A household iron warns users: "Never iron clothes while they are being
worn"
 o A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping"
 o A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: "Not intended for highway use"
 o A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, "Do not
drive with sunshield in place"
 o A Bathroom Heater says: "This product is not to be used in bathrooms"
 o A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: "May irritate eyes"
 o A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says:
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
 o A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: "Caution - Risk of Fire"
 o A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or
for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.

You can read other wacky warning labels at http://www.mlaw.org.

++
Letter Received From An Anonymous Source:

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a
carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters,
who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are
prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers, one is currently serving a
non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in
1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual
misconduct with his three children. My sister is in Longview, she is a part
time "working girl". All things considered, my problem is this. I love my
fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to
be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports George Bush for President?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

++