[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
To have a little fun!
Stupid Jill
Forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread.

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall
humpty dumpty had a great fall
all the kings horses and all the kings men
had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,
the cat did a piddle,
all over the bedside clock,
The little dog laughed to see such fun
then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead...
And when she was good, she was very very good,
But when she was bad she got a fur coat, jewels, waterfront condo and a
sports car.

 - from Jay Pocius

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I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy,
to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He
gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T
error? What's that . in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold...

 - from Kevin Haggerty

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Dear Dog ,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions so you
are still in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food & dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually curl up in a
ball. It is not necessary to sleep stretched out to the fullest extent
possible (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues
hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, bark, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine
attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot
stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here; you don't.

2 If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or
daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.

Dogs are slightly better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all
the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your
car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't
worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need
a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the
results.

 - from Dave Houpert

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