[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

A guy was trying to pick up a blonde in a bar. He asked her for her phone
number.

She said, "Sure, it's in the phone book."

The guy then asked, "OK, so what's your name?"

The blonde answered, "That's in the phone book, too!"

++
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from
the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and
supply a new definition. Here are some of the winners:

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high up on walls.

Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who
doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious
bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

++
There was this West Va. sheriff and his deputy riding along the small town.
They spot a car with out of town plates and decided to pull it over. The
sheriff says "Where you from boy?"

The man says "Chicago.:

Sheriff says, "Don't lie to me son I saw them Illinois tags."

++
You know you're kinky when...

.. you keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother will
never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for.

.. you realize you've charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a year.

.. you have more toys than your kids

.. you start rating your CDs by how interesting it'll be to beat someone to

.. someone asks how long you've been doing this ponygirl routine, and you
snort and start to stamp your foot

.. your favorite dessert is hot crossed buns ... and you don't eat sweets

.. your toilet seat is leather.

.. you watch a movie where someone gets tied up and scream at the screen,
"Gimme a break, 3 minutes max to get out of that!"

.. you go to the local county fair and salivate when the horse jumps are
setup.

.. you have a list by the phone for the baby-sitter.... Hospital, Family,
and three 24 hour locksmiths

.. you are on a first name basis with all the local EMTs

.. you join the SCA (Mumf query: huh?) just so you can learn to make your
own chainmail and work with leather!

.. you speak of crop rotation with someone, and they aren't a farmer

.. you try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs, body cavity search,
humiliation scene and time in the cage.

.. you take up macramé, just to learn some new knots

.. leather companies start giving you the wholesale to distributor discount

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
Businesses in the U.K. are not amused with a Web site that Britain's biggest
theme park set up as part of a promotion. The site says, "Do you know a
friend in need of a great day out -- away from work? Simply e-mail
http://www.ihatework.co.uk/ to them, and they, too, can get out of the
office and have a great day out at Alton Towers." Business leaders are
afraid this site could fuel "blue flu" and be to absenteeism what "Ferris
Bueller's Day Off" was to truancy. Theme park officials say it's not their
job to keep the cubicles full and, besides, what's wrong with taking a day
off to have fun?

--
BATON ROUGE (AP) - People who wear low-slung pants that expose skin or
"intimate clothing" would face a fine of up to $500 and possible jail time
under a bill filed by a Jefferson Parish lawmaker.

State Rep. Derrick Shepherd said he filed the bill because he was tired of
catching glimpses of boxer shorts and G-strings over the lowered belt lines
of young adults. (Mumf note: what a dumb fuck! HE was offended, so HE filed
the bill -- I'M offended by him, but can I file a bill against him -- I
think not!)

The bill would punish anyone caught wearing low-riding pants with a fine of
as much as $500 or as many as six months in jail, or both.

"I'm sick of seeing it," said Shepherd, a first-term legislator. "The
community's outraged. And if parents can't do their job, if parents can't
regulate what their children wear, then there should be a law."

The bill would be tacked onto the state's obscenity law, which restricts
sexual activity in public places and the sale of sexually explicit items.

Joe Cook, head of the American Civil Liberties Union's Louisiana chapter,
said the bill probably does not meet the U.S. Supreme Court's standard for
the prohibition of obscene behavior under the First Amendment.

"What about a woman who is wearing a bathing suit under her garment or she
has something like a sarong wrapped around her and it's below her waist," he
said. "I can think of a lot of workers, plumbers, who are working and expose
their buttocks ..."

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The "Children's Bill of Rights."

It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue and nose.
I can read &watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D.

Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
at the ! local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts &pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best.

I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine."

He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
 I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike &roller blades.
Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights,"
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?"

 - from Nancy Bakos