[Rhodes22-list] Tazer Toy. So funny I had to share it.

[R22RumRunner at aol.com]

My Tazer  Toy 
Dear Friends,

My wife is fond  of saying that my last words on this earth will be something 
akin to, "Hey  y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone 
myself once again. No  doubt you will see this true story   chronicled in a 
LifeTime movie in the  near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol  and Pawn that tickled my   
fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is  easily tickled). I bought   
something really cool for my wife. The occasion  was our 22nd anniversary   and I 
was looking for a little something extra  for my sweet girl. What I   came 
across was a 100,000-volt,  pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. 

For those of you who are not  familiar with this product, it is a 
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal  prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant 
with a shock of high-voltage, low  amperage electricity while   you flee to 
safety. The effects are supposed  to be short lived, with no long-term adverse 
affect on your assailant, but  allowing you adequate  time to  retreat to safety. 
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed  assailant, push the 
button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,  muscle-twitching, 
whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of  these things in action, 
then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long  story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two 
triple-a  batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so  
disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'  
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not  create an 
arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect.  I 
learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal  
surface that I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth  between the prongs that I was so looking 
forward to. I did so. Awesome!!!  Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a 
loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily  amused, just for your information, but I 
have yet to explain to Kathy what that  burn spot is on the face of her 
microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with  this new toy, thinking to myself that it 
couldn't be all that bad with only two  triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat 
in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking  on intently (trusting little soul), 
reading the directions (that would be me,  not Gracie) and thinking that I 
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh  and blood target. I must admit I 
thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of  a second and thought better of 
it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all.
But,  if I was going to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself  against 
a mugger, I did want some  assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I 
wrong? Was I wrong to think  that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of  shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses 
perched delicately on the bridge  of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in 
another. The directions said that a  one-second burst would shock and 
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst  was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a  three-second burst would 
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like  a fish out of water. 
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring  about 5" long, 
less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and  loaded with two 
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no dang  way!" Dang 
way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened  next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those 
of you who know me  well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm 
sitting there alone,  Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to 
say, "don't do it  buddy," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing  couldn't hurt! all that bad (sound, 
rational thinking under the circumstances,  wouldn't you agree?). I decided to 
give myself a one-second burst just for the  hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad 
decision is like hindsight--always  twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it 
was a bad decision after the fact, even  though it seemed so right at the time. 
Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the  prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY   
**************!  DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran  in 
through the front door, picked me up  out of that recliner, then body  slammed me 
on the carpet over and over  again. I vaguely recall waking up  on my side in 
the fetal position, nipples  on fire, testicles nowhere to  be  found, soaking 
wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the  oddest position. Gracie was 
standing over  me making meowing sounds I had  never heard before, licking my 
face,  undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do  it again, do it again!" (Note: 
If you  ever feel compelled to mug yourself  with a Tazer, one note of caution. 
There  is no such thing as a one-second  burst when you zap yourself. You're 
not  going to let go of that thing  until  it is dislodged from your hand by a 
violent thrashing about on the floor. Then,  if you're lucky, you won't 
dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh  like yours truly.) 
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be  sure, as time was a relative 
thing at this  point), I collected my wits (what little  I had left), sat up 
and surveyed  the landscape. My reading glasses were on  the mantel of the 
fireplace.  How  did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both breasts 
were  still twitching. My face felt like it had  been shot up with Novocain, as  
my  bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty  sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away.  I'm  
offering a reward. They're  round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome  if I 
must say so myself. Miss 'em . . .  sure would like to get 'em back.  
Bobby