[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin
banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...

.BUMP...

..BUMP...

...BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing
quickly behind him...

faster...


.faster...

..BUMP...

BUMP....

BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his
door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ... clappity-BUMP...

.clappity-BUMP...

..clappity-BUMP...

....clappity-BUMP...

on the heels of the terrified man....

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping
towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything ..but all he can find is
a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin...




 ....the coffin stops

 - from Ron Nichols

--
Groucho Marx Quotes

 o A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going
somewhere.
 o A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of
five.
 o A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
 o A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
 o A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
 o A moose is an animal with horns on the front of it's head and a hunting
lodge wall on the back of it.
 o A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
 o Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All
you have to do is live long enough.
 o All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
 o Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy.
 o Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
 o Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife.
 o Bloods' not thicker than money.
 o Budget: a way of going broke methodically.
 o But what makes wage slaves? Wages!
 o Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time
to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
 o Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
 o Don't look now but I think there's one too many is this room right now,
and I think it's you.
 o Don't point that beard at me - it might go off.
 o Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. (taking someone's pulse)
 o Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed
the worst about Hollywood.
 o From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was
convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
 o Go, and never darken my towels again.
 o He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool
you. He really is an idiot.
 o Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns.
 o He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn
for three days.
 o Hello, I must be going.
 o Here's to our wives and girlfriends - may they never meet!
 o How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.
 o How would you like to feel the way she looks?
 o Humor is reason gone mad.
 o I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see
the stove.
 o I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's
because I haven't been writing.
 o I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were
exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.
 o I could dance with you till the cows come home. on second thought, I'll
dance with the cows till you come home.
 o I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the
curtain was up.
 o I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
 o I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're
upstairs in my socks.
 o I drink to make other people interesting.
 o I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately, the resemblance doesn't end there.
 o I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I
go into the other room and read a book.
 o I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
 o I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that.
 o I hope they bury me near a strait man.
 o I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago. I shot my broker.
 o I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my
disappointment when you came along.
 o I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.
 o I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
 o I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
exception.
 o I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of
intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate
America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
 o I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
 o I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean
it up.
 o I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
 o I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent,
as written in our contract.
 o I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.
 o I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
 o I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too
unwieldy.
 o Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
 o If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you. OR If I held you any
closer I would be on the other side of you.
 o If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don't come
running to me.
 o If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
 o In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the
politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
 o It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
 o It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your
mouth and remove all doubt.
 o It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
unhappy.
 o I'd have thrashed him to within an inch of his life, but I didn't have a
tape measure.
 o I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills.
 o I'll see you at the opera tonight. I'll hold your seat till you get
there. After that, you're on your own.
 o I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no
cover charge.
 o I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not
raining.
 o I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest
golf course.
 o It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
 o I've been around so long I can remember Doris Day before she was a
virgin.
 o I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of
it.
 o I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
 o I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good
enough for him is good enough for me.
 o I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down.
 o Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement.
 o Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry, and you're probably watching
the wrong channel.
 o Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's
too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can
leave in a taxi.
 o Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.


The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home
phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mummy
there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that
noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed
the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle "ME!"

 - from Fred Frost

--
George Burns Quotes

 o A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they
should be as close together as possible.

 o Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

 o At my age flowers scare me.

 o Be quick to learn and wise to know.

 o Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates
husbands and wives.

 o By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only
have to remember it.

 o Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give
you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're
in the wrong house.

 o Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

 o Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not
everything that's down can come up.

 o First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her
like I did.

 o First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull
your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

 o For thirty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died.

 o Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or
a bad woman - it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

 o Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another
city.

 o How can I die? I'm booked.

 o I can't afford to die - I'd lose too much money.

 o I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there
was so little of it.

 o I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit.
Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

 o I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear
me drink scotch.

 o I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to
something.

 o I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

 o I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."

 o If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay
me enough, I'll do it.

 o I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I
hate.

 o I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

 o If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would
have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask
me, I'd still have to say it.

 o If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die
past that age.

 o It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember
if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

 o It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when
the air was clean and sex was dirty.

 o Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your
life.

 o Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

 o No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

 o Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated
because there are fewer articles to read.

 o People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh
birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

 o Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had
pimples.

 o Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

 o Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant.

 o Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
teacher was in my class for five years.

 o There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

 o This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only
read two.

 o Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running
taxicabs or cutting hair.

 o When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

 o When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my
fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same
things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

 o When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you
bring your own rocks.

 o You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

 o You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and
wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
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