[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

Police Replies to Stupid Questions

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out
after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write
anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will
help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or
I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride
on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At
least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't."

 - from Jay Pocius

--
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads.

We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington.

When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night the husband
scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas
station, a donut shop, or a motel in Florida.

++
The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first giving
the rooster a pep talk, "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot
of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently,
I'll need you to do a good job.

"So, take your time and have some fun", the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and
Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house,
the farmer is completely shocked!

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny
is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once
again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The
farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last
24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny
on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard with vultures circling
overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal,
shakes his head and says, Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself and I tried
to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says,
"Shhh, they're getting closer."

 - from Kevin Haggerty

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