[Rhodes22-list] Music Humor - I think

Wed Feb 9 19:10:50 EST 2005

Slim,

Nah. Kinda miss it, though. I went through a nasty divorce from "the ex-wife
from Hell" and somehow quit playing in the process. I just sold my Alembic
Spoiler bass on ebay a few months ago because I hadn't played it once in 15
or so years. Decided it was finally time to let go - besides, I needed a ham
radio for the big boat. Guess it's all about priorities....

I did just get a new mandolin, though - thought that might fit better,
anyway - and it doesn't draw as much power as a bass rig <g>.

Mark

-----Original Message-----
From: rhodes22-list-bounces at rhodes22.org
[mailto:rhodes22-list-bounces at rhodes22.org] On Behalf Of Steve Alm
Sent: Wednesday, February 09, 2005 6:29 PM
To: Rhodes
Subject: Re: [Rhodes22-list] Music Humor - I think

Mark,

Are you sure that was in Roanoke?  It sounds just like a bar on the Ft.
Totten Indian Reservation in South Dakota.  8-) Good story.  Do you still
play?
Slim

On 2/9/05 4:52 PM, "Mark Kaynor" <mark at kaynor.org> wrote:

> Steve,
> 
> While I'm traveling down memory lane, your post reminded me of when I 
> used to play in a local blues band. One Wednesday night we were 
> playing for the gate at this dive in Roanoke. We had a friend watching 
> the door for us when this big guy named "Heavy" came up to him and 
> said "I'd better check this with you or I might get into trouble" and 
> handed him a 45 automatic. This place was amazing. At one point the
bartender lit up a joint behind the bar.
> There was this one guy there who kept yelling "Black Flag! Black 
> Flag!". Our rhythm guitarist finally got him to shut up by betting him 
> he could stand on his head and drink a beer - which he did. The guy 
> started yelling again after and Heavy and some of his friends showed 
> him the door, none too gently. We found out later that the there was a 
> shootout in the parking lot the Friday after we played - I don't know if
Heavy was involved or not.
> Years later I was talking to one of my neighbors who was in 
> corrections and he told me this place had a reputation among law 
> enforcement as a good place to check for escapees from the city jail.
> 
> Mark Kaynor
> 
> -----Original Message-----
> From: rhodes22-list-bounces at rhodes22.org
> [mailto:rhodes22-list-bounces at rhodes22.org] On Behalf Of Steve Alm
> Sent: Wednesday, February 09, 2005 5:26 PM
> To: Rhodes
> Subject: Re: [Rhodes22-list] Music Humor - I think
> 
> Rummy, you're welcome.  See ya there.
> Brad, you'd fit right in too.
> Ed,  no, that's not a bad night.  It's EVERY night!   8-)
> Slim
> 
> On 2/9/05 5:39 AM, "brad haslett" <flybrad at yahoo.com> wrote:
> 
>> Well Slim, I have just one thing to say about that.
>> 
>> 
>> FREEBIRD!
>> 
>> 
>> (come on man, I'm holding my lighter up in a hotel
>> room)
>> 
>> Brad
>> 
>> 
>> --- Steve Alm <salm at mn.rr.com> wrote:
>> 
>>> This would be funny if it weren't so damn true:
>>> 
>>> MUSICIANS ARE EXPERT MIND READERS
>>> 
>>> When requesting a song from the band, just say "play my song!"  We 
>>> have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with 
>>> the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar & all 
>>> songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge.
>>> 
>>> If we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding.
>>> Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if 
>>> need be ... it helps jog the memory.
>>> 
>>> If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they 
>>> either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you 
>>> on.  Try singing a few words for the band. Any words will do.
>>> 
>>> It also helps to scream your request from across the room several 
>>> times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!"
>>> Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance 
>>> floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle 
>>> finger.
>>> Put-downs are the best
>>> way to jog a band's memory.  This instantly promotes you to the 
>>> status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."
>>> 
>>> Entertainers are notorious fakers & jokesters and never really 
>>> prepare for their shows.  They simply walk on stage with no prior 
>>> thought to what they will do once they arrive.  An entertainer's job 
>>> is so easy, even  a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the 
>>> hook easily.
>>> Your request is all
>>> that matters.
>>> 
>>> If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next 
>>> band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the 
>>> previous band ever played, even if the current band  is a blues or 
>>> country band. It's the law.
>>> Feel free to yell AC DC or SLAYER!! to a band that plays strictly 
>>> originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for 
>>> Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.
>>> 
>>> 
>>> IMPORTANT
>>> 
>>> When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her 
>>> head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding 
>>> their head securely so they cannot pull away.
>>> This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly & playful game of 
>>> tug of war between their head and your hands.
>>> 
>>> Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits.
>>> Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in 
>>> the back, protected by the guitar players.
>>> Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, & only play the 
>>> game when tricked into coming out from behind their keyboards. 
>>> Though difficult to get them play, it's not impossible, so keep trying.
>>> They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.
>>> 
>>> 
>>> TALKING WITH THE BAND
>>> 
>>> The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful 
>>> way is at the middle of a song when all band members are singing at 
>>> the same time.
>>> Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from 
>>> the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us.
>>> Musicians are expert lip
>>> readers too.  If a musician does not reply to your question or 
>>> comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at 
>>> your mouth in order to read your lips.
>>> 
>>> Simply continue to scream your request & be sure to over emphasize 
>>> the words with your lips. This helps immensely.
>>> Don't be fooled.
>>> 
>>> Singers have the innate ability to answer questions & sing at the 
>>> same time.
>>> If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless 
>>> of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely 
>>> ignoring you.
>>> If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.
>>> 
>>> 
>>> HELPING THE BAND
>>> 
>>> If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will 
>>> appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you 
>>> can remain standing on stage.  Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar.
>>> Simply feel free to walk up on stage & join in. By the way, the 
>>> drunker you are, the better you sound, & the louder you should sing.
>>> 
>>> If by chance you fall off the  stage, be sure to crawl back up & 
>>> attempt to sing harmony.  Keep in mind that nothing assists the band 
>>> more than outrageous dancing, third & fourth part harmonies, or a 
>>> tambourine played out of tempo.
>>> Try the cow bell, they love the challenge. The band always needs the 
>>> help & will take this as a compliment.
>>> 
>>> 
>>> VERY IMPORTANT
>>> 
>>> Remember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to the 
>>> bathroom in case of an emergency.  On stage accidents are bad form.
>>> The band will carry on.
>>> 
>>> 
>>> BONUS TIP
>>> 
>>> As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on 
>>> stage and start playing their instruments.  They love this. Even if 
>>> you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that 
>>> you have successfully completed your audition.  The band will call 
>>> you immediately the following day to offer you a position.
>>> 
>>> 
>>> See you at the next gig ...
>>> The Band
>>> 
>>> 
>>> 
>>> 
>>> 
>>> 
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>> 
>> 
>> 
>> 
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