[Rhodes22-list] Sunday Jokes

[Stephen Staum]

Great group of jokes Brad.  Thanks for the laughs.  SS
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "brad haslett" <flybrad at yahoo.com>
To: <rhodes22-list at rhodes22.org>
Sent: Sunday, March 06, 2005 11:16 AM
Subject: [Rhodes22-list] Sunday Jokes


> The Heberts were unable to conceive children, and
> decided to use a
> surrogate father to start their family. On the day the
> proxy father was
> to arrive, Mr. Hebert kissed his wife and said, "I'm
> off. The man should be
> here soon".
> 
> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
> baby photographer
> rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning
> madam. I've come
> to...."
> 
> "Oh, no need to explain. Come in," Mrs. Hebert cut in.
> 
> "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! My
> specialty is babies."
> 
> That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in
> and have a seat."
> 
> After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we
> start?"
> 
> Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually try
> two in the
> bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the
> bed. Sometimes the
> living room floor is fun too. You can really spread
> out!"
> 
> Wife - "Bathtub, couch, bed, living room floor? No
> wonder it didn't work for my husband and me."
> 
> Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee
> a good one every
> time. But if we try several different positions and I
> shoot from six or
> seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the
> results."
> 
> Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of...."
> 
> Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must
> take his time.
> I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd
> be disappointed
> with that, I'm sure."
> 
> Wife (muttering)- "Don't I know it."
> 
> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
> portfolio of his
> baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
> 
> Wife - "Oh my god!"
> 
> Photographer - "And these twins turned out
> exceptionally well, when you
> consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
> 
> Wife - "She was difficult?"
> 
> Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to
> take her to the
> park to get the job done right. People were crowding
> around four and
> five deep, pushing to get a good look."
> 
> Wife - "Four and five deep?" (eyes wide in amazement).
> 
> Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours,
> too. The mother was
> constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
> concentrate! Then
> darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
> Finally, when the
> squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
> packed it all in."
> 
> Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually
> chewed on your....equipment?"
> 
> Photographer - "That's right. Well, madam, if you're
> ready, I'll set up
> my tripod so that we can get to work"
> 
> Wife - "Tripod?"
> 
> Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest
> my Canon on.
> It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam?
> Madam? 
> 
> Good Lord, she's fainted!"
> 
> ---------------------------------------------------
> 
> The first Jewish president of the United States is in
> the White House.
> 
> One day his mother calls him on the telephone.
> 
> "Mendle, tomorrow is Hanukkah, I want you should come
> home and be with the family."
> 
> "But Ma, I'm the president of the United States. I
> can't get away. I've got too many things to attend to.
> But why don't you come down here for the holiday?"
> 
> "No, it's too much trouble. I'm not so young anymore.
> I'd have to clean up the apartment, stop delivery of
> the newspapers, pack up..."
> 
> "Ma, I'm the president of the USA. I'll send some of
> my aides and they'll take care of everything for you.
> You won't have to lift a finger."
> 
> "OK, but then I'd have to book a reservation on a
> flight and I know I'll never get a seat one day before
> Hanukkah."
> 
> "But Ma, I'm the president of the USA. I'll send Air
> Force One to pick you up and fly you down here. You'll
> travel better than first class."
> 
> "OK, but then I'll have to schlep from the airport
> into the city, the taxi service in Washington is
> terrible, and I'm afraid of the subway."
> 
> "Ma .. Ma, I'm the president of the USA. I'll have my
> helicopter pick you up at the airport and bring you
> straight into the city."
> 
> "OK, but then I'll need to get a hotel room and they
> are so expensive and you know how I hate hotels."
> 
> "Ma, I'm the president of the USA. You'll stay at the
> White House and sleep in the Lincoln bedroom."
> 
> "Well, OK. I guess I'll come."
> 
> So, it was finally settled. The president's mother was
> scheduled to leave for DC the next morning to
> celebrate Hanukkah with her son.
> 
> A few minutes after she hung up from her son, her
> friend Minnie called and asked, "So what are you doing
> for Hanukkah?"
> 
> "I am going to spend it with my son."
> 
> "Your son the doctor?"
> 
> "No, the other one."
> 
> --------------------------------------------------
> A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to
> hold a graveside service for a man who died with no
> family or friends. The funeral was held way back in
> the country and the young preacher got lost on the
> way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe
> and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The
> workmen were eating lunch. 
> 
> The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the
> vault lid in place, but still he poured out his heart
> and preached an impassioned and lengthy service.
> Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he
> had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed
> sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his
> tardiness. 
> 
> As he got into his car, he overheard one of the
> workers talking to another worker: "I've been putting
> in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen
> anything like that before.  Sort of gives new meaning
> to the term "Holy Shit."
> 
> ----------------------------------------------------
> 
> "Bear Removers."
> 
> A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
> So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,
> there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the
> number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
> minutes.
> 
> The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
> He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a
> mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the
> homeowner asks?
> 
> "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
> then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off
> the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
> off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his
> testicles and not let go. The bear will then be
> subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the
> back of the van." He then hands the shotgun to the
> homeowner.
> 
> "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
> 
> "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog," 
> he answers.
> 
> ---------------------------------------------------
> 
> John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a
> Sunday afternoon
> quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was
> to send him out
> on
> the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on
> all the
> neighborhood
> activities.
> He began his commentary as his parents put their plan
> into operation:
> "There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he
> shouted.
> A few moments passed.
> "An ambulance just drove by"
> A few moments later,
> "Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called
> out.
> "Matt's riding a new bike....."
> "The Coopers are having sex!!"
> Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
> Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are
> having sex??"
> "Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a
> Popsicle too."
> 
> 
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