[Rhodes22-list] Sunday Humor

[brad haslett]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen
by one of the younger doctors. After about four
minutes in the examination room, she burst out,
screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem
was and she told him her story. After listening, he
had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back
where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor
demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old,has
four grown children and seven grandchildren -and you
told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without
looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

-------------------------------------------------
Hearing test for the wife
 
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she
used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the
family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor
told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about
her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40
feet away from her, and in a normal conversational
speaking tone see if she hearsyou. If not, go to 30
feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking
dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself,
"I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey,
what's for dinner?" No response. So the husband moves
to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no
response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about
20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for
dinner?" Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to
the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's
for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks
right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
 
"Earl, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

-----------------------------------------------
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like
he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a
sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp. 


"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. 


"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. 


"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't
do that to you, he must have had something in his
hand." 


"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." 


"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?" 


"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast,
and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."



============================================== 


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is
driving home from the city one night and, of course,
his car is weaving violently all over the road.  A cop
pulls him over.  "So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?" 


"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the
drunk. 


"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening." 


"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. 


"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest, "that a few
intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" 


"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute
there, I thought I'd gone deaf." 


===================================================== 


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when
Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.  "Brenda, may I come
in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". 


"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim.  But where's my husband?" 


"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There
was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." 


"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." 


"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone.
I'm sorry." 


Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen,
Tim?" 


"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of
Guinness Stout and drowned." 


"Oh my dear Jesus!  But you must tell me true, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?" 


"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times
to pee." 


 ================================================== 


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So
what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" 


She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night." 


The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
Mary, did he have any last requests?" 


She says, "That he did, Father." 


The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says,
"He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


 ==================================================== 
MENOPAUSE JEWELRY

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought
me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to
monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a
good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it
leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time
he'll buy me a diamond

----------------------------------------------------
HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had
made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was
shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he
was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he
made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he
kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he
said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he
was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and
not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply
smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior;
I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later
he came  to bed and to my surprise he responded to my
caress and we made love, but I still felt
that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere
else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore so I
decided to confront him with the situation but he had
fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too
fell asleep.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY

Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95 -
still can't putt. Got laid though.

--------------------------------------------------

 ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy 
  

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


  
SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
need.


  
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


  
HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.


  
LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but
married men are a lot more willing to die.


  
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.


  
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a
new argument.


  
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to
them at funerals.

---------------------------------------------------


Two rednecks were sitting around drinking beer, 
when one said to the other: "If'n I was to sneak over
to your house and have sex with your old lady and she
got pregnant, would that make us kin?"

The other thought for a moment and then said, "I don't
reckon it would make us kin, but it would make us
even!" 

--------------------------------------------------
  
Enjoy your Sunday, Brad



 








		
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