[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[michael meltzer]

http://gprime.net/video.php/presidentialspeechalist

 - from Gary Savage

--
Bill Maher's closing bit the other night on HBO:

"Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you any
more. There's no more
money to spend--you used up all of that. You can't
start another war 
because
you used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest
of your term has
become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people.
Listen to your 
Mom.
The cupboard's bare, the credit cards maxed out. No
one's speaking to 
you.
Mission accomplished.

"Now it's time to do what you've always done best:
lose interest and 
walk
away. Like you did with your military service and the
oil company and 
the
baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the
next fantasy job. 
How
about cowboy or space man? Now I know what you're
saying: there's so 
many
other things that you as President could involve
yourself in. Please 
don't.
I know, I know. There's a lot left to do. There's a
war with Venezuela.
Eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space
program over to 
the
church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving
embryos the vote.

"But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why?
Because you govern 
like
Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm
surprised that you 
haven't
given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that
walks like a man. 
Herbert
Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never
conceded an entire 
city to
rising water and snakes.

"On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies,
the surplus, four
airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon
and the City of 
New
Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying
you don't love 
this
country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be
if you were on 
the
other side.

"So, yes, God does speak to you. What he is saying is:
'Take a hint.' "

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
John Kerry contacted the Pentagon today to request a
Silver Star for a
recent swift boat mission he ran through the streets
of New Orleans. 
While
the Pentagon claims the mission was unauthorized,
Kerry claims it was a
secret mission approved by the highest levels of the
government.

"I clearly remember listening to the radio and hearing
President Bush 
deny
that swift boats were in New Orleans," said Kerry.
"And there I was, on 
a
swift boat in New Orleans. Dodging bullets. Scanning
the shore for 
enemy
fire and mortar attack. The band aid on my hand covers
a wound I 
received
while moving too quickly on deck for a photo op. It
was George Bush's 
fault
that I scraped my hand against the hand rail. Bush and
Cheney are 
always
putting obstacles in my path."

Sean Penn tried to join Kerry on his own swift boat,
but it sank before
leaving dock. Penn forgot to put the plug in the
bottom of the boat and
refused to stuff his Communist flag in the hole to
prevent flooding.

While the Pentagon is investigating Kerry's claim, the
Democratic 
National
Committee and Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi are alleging
that George Bush 
and
the Republicans are slowing the progress of the
investigation. When 
asked
why Bush and the Republicans would interfere with the
investigation 
Pelosi
stated, "They will do anything to prevent Senator
Kerry from proving to 
the
American people, once and for all, that he is a true
war hero. It is a 
war
zone in New Orleans. My god, we have troops and police
officers down 
there
with bullets."

 - from Jimi Pocius

--



		
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