[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[michael meltzer]

We're Surrounded!!

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural
area. We recently 
had a
new neighbor call the local township administrative
office to request 
the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The
reason: "too many 
deer
were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to
cross there anymore. 
This
one was from Kingman, KS.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local
Taco Bell and 
ordered a
taco. She asked the person behind the counter for
"minimal lettuce." He 
said
he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. This was in
Jackson 
Mississippi.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at
the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in
your baggage 
without
your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without
my knowledge, 
how
would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's
why we ask." 
Happened
in Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes
when it's safe to 
cross
the street. I was crossing with an intellectually
challenged coworker 
of
mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that 
it
signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled,
she responded, 
"What
on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a
probation officer 
in
Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and
dear co-worker 
who was
leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager
commented 
cheerfully,
this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word
was spoken. We 
all
just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare. This 
was a
bunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged
her power strip 
Back
into itself and for the life of her couldn't
understand why her system 
would
not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's
office no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an
automobile 
dealership to
pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked
in it. We went 
to the
service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock 
the
driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger
side, I 
instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. "Hey," I
announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he
replied, "I know 
- I
already got that side." This was at the Ford
dealership in Canton,
Mississippi!

And they walk among us...... and they reproduce

---------------------
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
living in the 
United
States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become
wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before
me. Build another 
Ark
and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6
months to build the 
Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and
40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard 
-
but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where
is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have
changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector
about the need 
for a
sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've
violated the 
neighborhood
zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and
exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal
Board for a 
decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond
be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead
obstructions, to 
clear
the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them
that the sea 
would be
coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on
cutting local 
trees
in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince
the 
environmentalists
that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights
group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals
against their will. 
They
argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it
was cruel and 
inhumane
to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until
they'd conducted 
an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human
Rights 
Commission on
how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my
building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the
green-card status of 
most of
the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist
I have to hire 
only
Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,
claiming I'm 
trying to
leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to 
finish
this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow 
stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're 
not
going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."



		
__________________________________ 
Start your day with Yahoo! - Make it your home page! 
http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs