[Rhodes22-list] Merry Christmas Honey!!! (Humor.....I guess?)

[R22RumRunner at aol.com]

>
>
>  Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol& Pawn Shop that sparked my  
> interest. I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.  
> What I came across was a100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The  
> effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term  
> adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat  to 
> safety....  WAY TOO COOL!
>
> Long story short, I  bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two 
> triple-a batteries  in the darn thing and pushed the button.  Nothing!  I 
> was  disappointed.
> I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND  pressed it against a 
> metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue  arch of electricity 
> darting back and forth between the prongs.  Awesome!!!  Unfortunately, I 
> have yet to explain to Toni what that  burn spot is on the face of her 
> microwave.
>
> Okay, so I  was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it 
> couldn't  be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?
> There I sat in  my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting 
> little soul)  while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really 
> needed to  try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must 
> admit I  thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and 
> thought  better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
> But, if I was going to give   this thing to my wife to protect herself 
> against a mugger, I did want  some assurance that it would work as 
> advertised.  Am I  wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with  my reading glasses 
> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,  directions in one hand, taser 
> in another. The directions said that a  one-second burst would shock and 
> disorient your assailant; a two-second  burst was supposed to cause muscle 
> spasms and a major loss of bodily  control; a three-second burst would 
> purportedly make your assailant  flop on the ground like a fish out of 
> water. Any burst longer than  three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
>
> All the while I'm  looking at this littledevice measuring about 5" long, 
> less than 3/4  inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with 
> two itsy,  bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" 
> What  happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my  best.....
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her  head cocked to one 
> side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that  a one-second burst 
> from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all  that bad..
>
> I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for  the heck of it. I 
> touched the  prongs to my naked thigh, pushed  the button, and HOLY MOTHER,
> WEAPONS OF MASS _+!@$$!%_ (mailto:+!@$$!) !@* DESTRUCTION.  I'm pretty sure 
 Jessie Ventura 
> ran in through the side door, picked me up in the  recliner, then body 
> slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and  over again.  I vaguely 
> recall waking up on my side in the fetal  position, with tears in my eyes, 
> body soaking
> wet, both nipples  on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm 
> tucked under  my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.  The 
> cat  was standing over me  making meowing sounds I had never heard before,  
> licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again,do it  
> again!"
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to  "mug"yourself with a taser, one note 
> of caution: there is no such thing  as a one-second burst when you zap 
> yourself.
> You will not let  go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by 
> a violent  thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be 
> considered  conservative.  SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or 
> so  later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), 
>  collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the 
>  landscape.
>
> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the  fireplace. How did they 
> up get there???
>
> My triceps,  right thigh and both nipples werestill twitching. My face felt 
> like it  had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88  lbs.
>
> I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a  significant reward for 
> their safe return.