[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

Phillipe, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for
a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love
is in the air. Marie leans over to Phillipe and says, "Phillipe, kiss me!"

 

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

 

"What are you doing, Phillipe?" says the startled Marie.

 

"I am Phillipe the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red
wine!"

 

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little,
Marie says, "Phillipe, kiss me lower."

 

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts
pouring it all over her breasts.

 

"Phillipe! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

 

"I am Phillipe the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have
white wine!"

 

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie
leans close to his ear and whispers, "Phillipe, kiss me lower!"

 

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in
her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

 

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the river,
Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Phillipe, what in the
hell do you think you're doing??!"

 

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Phillipe the fighter pilot!
When I go down, I go down in flames!"

 

----------------------------------------------------

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than
anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every
minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that
there must be something he was doing wrong. 

 

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being the
fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the
old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

 

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're
wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

 

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

 

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

 

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the
bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any
more tips for me?"

 

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

 

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

 

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

 

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a
blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" exclaimed the
cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

 

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle
grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

 

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the
barrel of his gun.

 

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
all."

 

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

 

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."