[Rhodes22-list] 10 Things Hollywood Can Do For The Planet

[brad haslett]

Ten Things You Can Do To Save The Planet
An Iowahawk Action Alert-o-Gram™
by David Burge

Nearly ten years after the Kyoto accords, our planet
continues to careen helplessly toward certain
environmental destruction. The skies are choked with
pollutants. Polar bears are plunging through the
thinning ice caps. Ben Affleck is still having
problems finding a decent comeback project.

Thankfully, with the new release of Al Gore's
blockbuster eco-documentary "An Inconvenient Truth,"
the world is finally heeding the disaster looming on
the horizon. But mere consciousness is not enough to
cure our current climate ills - it takes action. Here
are a few simple things you to put the planet on the
road to recovery. 

1. Turn off faucets when not in use. While a single
dripping faucet may not seem to be much of an
environmental hazzard, the numbers really begin to add
up when you're hosting a Sierra Club fundraising party
for Laurie David and all 10 of your bathrooms are in
use. Have your domestic staff check to make sure that
electonic sink sensors are working properly, and use
other water conservation methods such as installing
low-flow bidets. Remember to remind your guests: "If
it's yellow, let it mellow."

2. Upgrade to a new Gulfstream G550. Next time you
take off for Cannes or Sundance or that big
Environmental Defense Fund gala, stop and think how
much fuel that clunky old G450 is using. Not only does
the new G550 have 10.8% better fuel efficiency, it's
quieter, has real burled walnut, and with a maximum
cruising speed of Mach 0.885 you'll never be late for
the Palm d'Or ceremony! 

3. Crush a Third World economic development movement.
One of the most pressing threats facing our
environment is rising incomes in Africa, Asia, and
Latin America. Only a generation ago, these proud dark
people were happily frolicking in the rain forest,
foraging for organic foods amid the wonders of nature.
Now, corrupted by wealth, they are demanding
environmentally hazardous consumer goods like cars and
air conditioning and malaria medicine. You can do your
part to stop this dangerous consumer trend by
supporting environmentally aware leaders like Robert
Mugabe and Fidel Castro to foster an economy of
sustainable low-impact ecolabor camps.

4. Don't Have Babies. Many people are shocked when
they learn that fewer than 25% of the Screen Actors
Guild and Directors Guild have been spayed or
neutered. Sure, babies make great fashion accessories
and it's fun to give them awesome names, like Kumquat
Wildebeest Paltrow and Toploader Enchilada Cage. But
these miniature humans will eventually grow and begin
ravenously consuming the Earth's depleted reserves of
aux pairs and psychotherapists. 

5. Alternative fuel motorcades. Let's face it: whether
you are on an international press junket or going to
an awards banquet, motorcades are a way of life. But
this doesn't mean you can't make your red carpet
entrance in an eco-friendly way. When possible, tell
your publicity team to request a electric, hybrid, or
E-85 stretch limo for you and your entourage. Later,
when you are vomiting outside the Viper Club,
encourage the paparazzi to share the photos to
conserve high energy use camera flash pods.

6. Go on a random killing spree. If science has taught
us anything, it is that human beings are the root
cause of our current environmental mess, and it's high
time that we address these two-legged eco problems
head on. Next time you're on your way to a location
shoot, do a little shooting of your own - have the
driver lower the tinted windows and pop a few caps on
behalf of Mother Earth. Not only will you be doing the
environment a good turn, it will earn you valuable
youth market "street cred." 

7. "Green begins at home." Whether you live in East
Hampton or Topanga Canyon, there are dozens of little
things you can do around your compound to minimize
harm to the environment. For instance, have your
groundskeeping staff lower the water levels in your
koi ponds, and turn off your energy-wasting security
cameras between 1 AM and 7 AM. If you own a summer
ranch in Montana, send an email to the trail boss and
tell him/her to add Beano to your cattle herd's feed
to reduce ozone-depleting methane emissions.

8. Phase out the entertainment industry by 2011. If
there is one sector of our economy that typifies
America's obscene energy waste, it is the
entertainment industry. Every year untold gigawatts
are consumed to power studio kleig lights, theater
projectors, popcorn machines, and multi-city concert
tours, with no discernable benefit to society. With
your help, this destructive drag on our environment
can be reversed within five years. Do your part by
pledging to greenlight only those films that have
recycled or incomprehensible story lines, and by
signing preachy and unlistenable musical acts. By
purging the entertainment market of its dangerous
popular appeal, you will be reducing the public's
desire to make wasteful and expensive SUVs trips to
their local concert halls, cineplexes and video
stores.

9. Commit suicide. As an eco-aware, planetary resource
parasite, you will eventually want to kill yourself to
spare the environment any further damage that your
personal existence has already caused. However, it is
important that you plan your suicide carefully as not
to disturb the ecosystem's delicate balance. Self
immolation, while poignant, can release up to 50 kg of
airborne fluorocarbons. Why not try the the hot new
Malibu trend, ritual Japanese sepukku? it's exotic,
elegant, and your intact corpse will make a great
compost pile addition.

10. Support eco-friendly organizations and political
candidates. Finally, you can make a major impact for
environmental good through community legislative
action. Like it or not, getting Washington to take
action on environmental issues requires intensive
lobbying and the election of eco-thinking
representatives, and this takes money. There are
literally hundreds of worthy environmentalist
organizations and candidates out there, and the
choices can be confusing. Fortunately, I have taken
the work out of this for you. Before you do #9, make a
legacy of your commitment to eco-action: send me a
bundled contribution via PayPal to my email address,
and I will see to it that it gets to the right place. 
Together, we can make a difference!



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