[Rhodes22-list] health and jokes

[Michel Meltzer]

During a BBQ a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured
everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) and just
tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They got her cleaned up
and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up,
Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Ingrid's
husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to
the hospital - (at 6:00pm, Ingrid passed away.) She had suffered a
stroke at the BBQ - had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke
perhaps Ingrid would be with us today.
 
It only takes a minute to read this- ----- A neurologist says that if he
can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the
effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke
recognized, diagnosed and getting to the patient within 3 hours, which
is tough.
 
RECOGNIZING A STROKE 3 steps. Read and Learn! Sometimes symptoms of a
stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness
spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer brain damage when people
nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke. Now doctors say a
bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:
 
1. Ask the individual to SMILE.
2. Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.
3. Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (i.e. . . It
is sunny out today)
 
If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-1-1 immediately
and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher. After discovering that a
group of non-medical volunteers could identify facial weakness, arm
weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public to
learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the
American Stroke Association's (Mumf note: I should belong to the ".
Stroke Association"!) annual meeting last February. Widespread use of
this test could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke
and prevent brain damage.

-----------




A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married
ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was
never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look
into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said
everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the
system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had
the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5
was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years
to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
 
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing;
although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband
#8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was
a gynecologist; all he did was look. Husband #10 was a stamp collector;
all he ever did was.... God, I miss him!"
 
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government.... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get
screwed!!!" 
 

--
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
 
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
 
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She
got in the back-seat by mistake."
 
__________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters age! s 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells
to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year
old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the
stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old
is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She
shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
knocking on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as
soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
second man replied, ! "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So
am I. Let's have a beer."
___________________________________________
WHAT A CHOICE
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say,
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or
two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
____________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time,
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared
at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_____________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just
one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
 

 
--
 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot
did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel
and tried the trigger again. This time it worked
 
 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.
 
 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to mental
hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and
prone to bizarre fantasies The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
 
 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received
the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
 
 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, he
man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the
clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got
from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you
money, is a crime committed?)
 
 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head
at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief
on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made
of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. (Mumf note: I've
actually sent the video of this around in the past)
 
 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
 
 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.
 
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.