[Rhodes22-list] Canada Returning Bush Dodgers

[Bill Effros]

*The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into 
**Canada** has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for 
increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
  
The unflinching arrogance of the Bush Administration is prompting the 
exodus among liberal citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, 
pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
  
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology 
professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their 
fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there 
was a **Hollywood** producer huddled in the barn," said **Manitoba** 
farmer Red **Greenfield**, whose acreage borders **North Dakota**. The 
producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a 
latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he 
left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
  
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, **Greenfield** erected higher 
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers 
that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he 
said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much 
hey wouldn't give milk"
  
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals 
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive 
them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of 
these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an **Ontario** 
border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking 
water. They did have a nice little **Napa** **Valley** cabernet, though."
  
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often 
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing 
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic
beer and watch NASCAR.
  
Liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. 
Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap 
Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans 
disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began 
stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If 
they can't identify the accordion player on The **Lawrence** Welk Show, 
we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
  
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are 
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian 
economy just can't support them," an **Ottawa** resident said. "How many 
art-history majors does one country need?"
  
In an effort to ease tensions between the **United States** and 
**Canada**, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador 
and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure 
liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some 
Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on 
postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."*