[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

Phone Rings. Italian mother picks up the phone and answers.

Italian Mother - Hello?

Daughter - Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?

Italian Mother - You're going out?

Daughter - Yes.

Italian Mother - With whom?

Daughter - With a friend.

Italian Mother - I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good
man.

Daughter - I didn't leave him. He left me!

Italian Mother - You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybody's
and nobodies.

Daughter - I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?

Italian Mother - I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.

Daughter - There are lots of things that you did and I don't.

Italian Mother - What are you hinting at?

Daughter - Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over
tonight.

Italian Mother - You're going to stay the night with him? What will your
husband say if he finds out?

Daughter - My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day
he left me, he probably never slept alone!

Italian Mother - So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?

Daughter - He's not a loser.

Italian Mother - A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a
loser and a parasite.

Daughter - I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?

Italian Mother - Poor children with such a mother.

Daughter - Such a what?

Italian Mother - With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.

Daughter - ENOUGH !!!

Italian Mother - Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!

Daughter - Now you're worried about the loser?

Italian Mother - Ah, so you see he is a loser. I spotted him immediately.

Daughter - Good-bye, mother

Italian Mother - Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?

Daughter - I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!

Italian Mother - If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
 
 
 
--
 
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
f*&*ing reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: he's mowing my lawn.
 
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're
a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect
it to contain? Trout?
 
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky bastards.
 
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
 
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
 
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
 
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.
 
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
 
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make
you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's
called "The Howard Stern Show."
 
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll
go nuts and eat two.
 
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.
 
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
 
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I
zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some
freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to
wash my hands.
 
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
 
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