[Rhodes22-list] Politics: Revocation of Independence (political)

[Ronald Lipton]

Jimmy also wrote "Tennesse Stud" and "he Had a Long Chain on".  He
started as a high school history teacher and evidently wrote "New  
Orleans"
as a teaching tool.

Ron
On Sep 29, 2006, at 4:26 PM, Brad Haslett wrote:

> Herb,
>
> Here's an MP3 of Jimmy Driftwood who wrote the Horton song.  I'll  
> always
> have a soft spot in my heart for Arkansas.  They've forgiven  
> themselves for
> Billy and only wish he'd take his double-wide to tomorrow's blow job  
> down
> river. Driftwood grew-up in Mountain View.  MV is as beautiful a place  
> in
> the world as any.  Trout fishing at Gastons anyone?
>
> Brad
>
>
> http://encyclopediaofarkansas.net/media/gallery/Audio/ 
> jimmy_driftwood_song.mp3
>
> On 9/29/06, Herb Parsons <hparsons at parsonsys.com> wrote:
>>
>> Dear forgetful writer. How many times do you guys have to get your  
>> asses
>> kicked before you realize you lost?
>>
>> As brother Jimmy Horton said:
>>
>> "We fired our guns and the British kept a'comin.
>> There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago.
>> We fired once more and they began to runnin'
>> down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico."
>>
>>
>> Herb Parsons
>>
>> S/V O'Jure
>> 1976 O'Day 25
>> Lake Grapevine, N TX
>>
>> S/V Reve de Papa
>> 1971 Coronado 35
>> Lake Pontchartrain, Louisiana Coast
>>
>> >>> bill at effros.com 9/29/2006 1:19:50 pm >>>
>> To the citizens of the United States of America
>>
>> In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
>> thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
>> your independence, effective immediately.
>>
>> Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
>> duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
>> Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
>>
>> Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for  
>> America
>> without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will  
>> be
>> disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
>> whether any of you noticed.
>>
>> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
>> rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>>
>> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
>> Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will  
>> be
>> amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>>
>> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in wRevords such as 'colour',
>> 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
>> without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be  
>> replaced
>> by the suffix "ise."
>>
>> 3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you  
>> may
>> elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply  
>> can't
>> cope with correct pronunciation.
>>
>> 4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
>> acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven
>> words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
>> unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
>>
>> 5.There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know  
>> on
>> your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
>> account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
>>
>> 6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The  
>> Queen",
>> but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
>>
>> 7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd  
>> will
>> be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only inEngland. It  
>> will
>> be called "Come-Uppance Day."
>>
>> 8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,  
>> lawyers
>> or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
>> shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
>> be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
>> without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
>> up enough to handle a gun.
>>
>> 9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
>> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if  
>> you
>> wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>>
>> 10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
>> your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what  
>> we
>> mean.
>>
>> 11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
>> start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
>> will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion  
>> tables.
>> Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
>> sense of humour.
>>
>> 12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
>> calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>>
>> 13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
>> fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling  
>> potato
>> chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in
>> animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
>>
>> 14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
>> customers.
>>
>> 15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not  
>> actually
>> beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred  
>> to
>> as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
>> referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as
>> "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of
>> further confusion.
>>
>> 16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
>> good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
>> play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
>> dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to
>> having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
>>
>> 17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind
>> of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough
>> will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
>> similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping  
>> for a
>> rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
>> bunch of nancies).
>>
>> 18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
>> host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played
>> outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
>> world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
>>
>> 19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>>
>> 20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
>> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
>> monies due backdated to 1776.
>>
>> Thank you for your co-operation.
>>
>> (Not written by me, not written by John Cleese, either--just passed
>> along.)
>>
>> Bill Effros
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