[Rhodes22-list] Simulate Life at Sea at Home (humor)

[Jim White]

Two weeks ago I participated in an offshore race between Galveston and here (South Padre Island). It was a blast, but we had contrary winds, were becalmed, lost the 12V system, got flooded and the sea found leaks in every window and hatch onboard.
   
  I ran across this methodology to simulate being at sea at home, and found it interesting......decided to pass it along
   
  Cheers,
  jw
   
  Simulate Life at Sea in Your Home 
    
   Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.   
   Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.   
   Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.   
   Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)   
   Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.   
   Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.   
   Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.   
   Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD.   
   Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.   
   Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and night crew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new wave rock band.   
   Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.   
   Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.   
   Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.   
   At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a 'black water system' boo boo.   
   Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.   
   Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.   
   Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks. 



       
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