[Rhodes22-list] some classic replies and a medical joke

[michael meltzer]

There was a time when words were used beautifully. These glorious insults
are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great
portion of the English language was boiled down to four-letter words!

 

The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my
husband, I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd take
it."

 

"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "On whether I embrace your policies or
your mistress."

 

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

 

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston
Churchill

 

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

 

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

 

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

 

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading
it." - Moses Hadas

 

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -
Abraham Lincoln

 

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of
it." - Mark Twain

 

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

 

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response

 

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop

 

He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

 

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -
Irvin S. Cobb

 

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -
Samuel Johnson

 

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

 

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E.
Leonard

 

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

 

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand

 

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

 

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -
Mark Twain

 

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West

 

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."- Oscar
Wilde

 

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather
than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

 

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

 

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

 

 

 

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A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us
have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so
amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he
agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely
nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

 

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50,
and he says good bye.

 

The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

 

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has
intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, and then they leave.

 

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I
have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

 

The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we
can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday
Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.

 

We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

 

 

 

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