[Rhodes22-list] Christmas with Louise - humor

[Herb Parsons]

This isn't mine. Invariably, one (or more) of my friends will send me 
this each year (guess that says something about the type of folks I hang 
with). I laugh out loud each time I get it, almost like an alzheimer's 
patient laughing at the same joke over and over. Anyway, it's worth 
repeating:

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Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his 
fireplace before Christmas.  He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill 
them.  What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true 
because every  Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were 
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true.  I put on sunglasses and 
went in search of an inflatable love doll.  They don't sell those things 
at Wal-Mart.  I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.  You'll only 
confuse  yourself.  I was there an hour saying things like, "What does 
this do? You're kidding me!  Who would buy that?"  Finally, I made it to 
the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also 
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane 
during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult.  Love Dolls come in many different 
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do 
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.  I settled for 
Lovable Louise.  She was at the bottom of the price scale.  To call 
Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came 
to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning 
hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling 
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.  I also ate some cookies 
and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.  I went 
home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his 
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the 
dog confused.   She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and 
bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of 
the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional 
Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.  "What 
the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the 
dining room.

But Granny was relentless.  "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I?  It was Christmas and no 
one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, 
hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me 
and said,  "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. 
Not just talking, but actually flirting.  It was then that we realized 
this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well.  We made the usual small talk about who had died, 
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a 
noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning.  Then she lurched 
from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in 
front of the sofa.

The cat screamed.  I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa 
ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering 
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.  My brother fell back over his chair and 
wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to 
decide the cause of Louise's collapse.  We discovered that Louise had 
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her 
to perfect health!