[Rhodes22-list] jokes, something for everyone :-)

[michael meltzer]

General Motors announced that they are ending their endorsement deal with
Tiger Woods. When asked why, a spokesperson for General Motors said, "Tiger
Woods is successful, competitive, and popular ... and that's just not us."

- Conan O'Brien

 

--

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
be an optical Aleutian .

 

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
weapon of math disruption.

 

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his
work.

 

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

 

9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

 

10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking
into it.

 

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.  One hat said to the
other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'

 

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

 

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

 

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at
large.

 

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

 

21. A backward poet writes in-verse.

 

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism it's your count
that votes.

 

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

 

 - from John Mumford

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer
agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said,
'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

 

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

 

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

 

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

 

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

 

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

 

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

 

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead.'

 

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with
that dead horse?'

 

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece
and made a profit of $998.'

 

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

 

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.' 

 

Chuck grew up and works now for the government. He was the one who figured
out how to "bail us out".

 

 

--

Barrack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's
private plane. Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could
throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very
happy.' 

 

Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out
of the window and make ten people very happy.'

 

Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.' 

 

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,
'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of their asses out of the
window and make 56 million people very happy.'