[Rhodes22-list] Bailout Christmas

[Brad Haslett]

Oh my!  It's worse than we thought.  Brad

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WASHINGTON - Flanked by officials from the United Elf Toytinkerers
union, SantaCorp CEO Kris Kringle today told the House Ways and Means
Committee that without immediate government financial help, his firm
would be forced to declare bankruptcy, lay off thousands of elves and
reindeer, and potentially cancel its annual worldwide Christmas Eve
toy delivery.

"These are grim economic times for everyone, but even more so for
non-profit toy manufacturers in the Snow Belt," said Kringle. "Our
accountants have indicated that we are on track to exhaust our
reserves of cash and magical pixie fairydust by December 23. Oh deary
me."

Kringle and UET union president Binky McGiggles presented a draft
emergency bailout plan to the committee calling for US $18 trillion in
federal grants, loan guarantees, and sugarplum gumdrops that they said
would keep the company solvent through December 26.

"We believe this proposal shows that management and labor can work
together to craft a reasonable, financially responsible short-term
survival plan," said McGiggles. "After the new Congress is seated in
January, we would be happy to return to present a long-term package to
get us through April."

Kringle warned that failure to approve the plan would have dire global
economic consequences.

"Oh goodness," said an emotional Kringle, fumbling with his glasses,
"think of all the children who will wake up sad and angry and confused
on Christmas morning, with nothing in their stockings. Let's just say
I wouldn't want to be their parents. Or a someone answering your
switchboards on December 26."

SantaCorp, which lost over $2 trillion in FY 2007, has seen a steady
erosion in market share and profitability over the last five years.
Industry analysts say that its precarious position is due to a number
of factors.

"You might say it's a perfect snowstorm," said Merrill Lynch analyst
Jennifer Rothstein. "The youth consumer market is demanding more for
less, at a time when the government and courts have forced SantaCorp
to lower its 'good list' credit rating standards. They face increased
non-union competition from the East Pole, and huge increases in fuel
prices for magical reindeer flying hay. It's a hard sell for the
investment community."

Veteran market watcher Charles Kessler of ToyWeek said SantaCorp's
labor cost structure was a significant factor in its recent struggles.

"After the 1982 strike SantaCorp offered the UET a generous pension
plan promising free lifetime candy canes and unicorns," explained
Kessler. "It seemed like a good idea at the time, but the company
accountants forgot to factor in elf immortality."

Despite the dire picture painted by Kringle and union officials, they
encountered skeptical questioning from some committee members. Several
members slammed the SantaCorp officials for flying to the hearing on a
private luxury sleigh, while others openly questioned the company's
business model.

"Almost every business in my district has had to adjust to the new
economic climate, but SantaCorp seems to believe it can continue with
the same old profligate giveaway business-as-usual," said Paul Ryan
(R-Wisconsin). "I'm sorry for your situation, but it is difficult to
justify giving trillions of US taxpayer dollars to a private company
that is outmoded, headquartered offshore, and, frankly, imaginary."

Kringle defended the company's business practices and his reported 4
billion cookie annual salary, saying that the company was "doing the
best we can under trying circumstances." He also blamed the company's
struggles in part on federal environmental and safety regulations.

"Frankly the amount of paperwork you require is astronomical," said
Kringle. "OSHA inspections and reporting requirements have doubled our
factory production cycle, and every time I tramp a little fireplace
soot into a living room I have to fill out three separate EPA
environmental impact reports."

Kringle also urged the committee to enact industry tort protections,
saying that the company remained saddled with crushing legal and
insurance bills following the landmark 1974 class action liability
case Nader v. Jarts, Clackers, SantaCorp, et al.

UET President McGiggles warned that failure to pass a bailout package
would have dire social consequences.

"All of you have seen the bleak pictures of how plant layoffs have
already effected ToyTown -- the boarded-up gingerbread houses covered
in frosting grafitti, the abandoned sleighs up on blocks, the
widespread crime and sucrose abuse, the antler-wielding gangs of
unemployed reindeer yearlings," said McGiggles. "That is only a hint
of what is to come if the plant shuts down. If you think an industry
bailout is expensive, well, just consider the cost of a full-scale
violent rioting by millions of desperate unemployed elves, with
warehouses full of surplus BB guns."

House Ways and Means committee chairman Charles Rangel (D-New York)
motioned to end the hearings, saying that with only 7 bailout shopping
days before Christmas the committee needed to move on to other
industries facing emergency financial crises.

"The American economy and Christmas itself stand on the edge of
disaster, It's time for my colleagues show we are good boys and
girls," said Rangel, who is reported to have received over $6 million
in campaign contributions from SantaCorp and the UET over the last two
years.

A full House vote on the SantaCorp is scheduled Friday morning, where
it is expected to pass by a comfortable margin. President Bush has
pledged to sign any and all bailout request from Congress until the
end of his term, "no queshnions ast."

"I want to insurer the American People and the evil doers that I and
the Crongress and the Hankster [Treasury Sec. Paulsen] and Big Ben
[possibly Fed Chair Bernanke] and [unintelligible] and me are unineted
together to approve the financial aid and regulations and federal
takeovers to get our American free ennerpise system back on track,"
said the President, speaking from inside his new shoe-proof plexiglas
enclosure.

In concluding the hearings, Rangel gave the SantaCorp officials a
personal vote of confidence.

"We believe in you, Santa," said Rangel, handing Kringle what appeared
to be a list. "As long as you continue to believe in us."