[Rhodes22-list] bad jokes(i am in a bad mood)/WARNING from elle

[elle]

WARNING!

DO NOT attempt to eat your lunch or take anything by mouth while reading these jokes.

Sever choking and pulmonary aspiration may result...and a colonoscopy may be needed to collect all the debris....

Great ones, Michael...

elle

We can't change the angle of the wind....but we can adjust our sails.

1992 Rhodes 22   Recyc '06  "WaterMusic"   (Lady in Red)


--- On Fri, 12/19/08, michael meltzer <mjm at michaelmeltzer.com> wrote:

> From: michael meltzer <mjm at michaelmeltzer.com>
> Subject: [Rhodes22-list] bad jokes(i am in a bad mood)
> To: "'The Rhodes 22 Email List'" <rhodes22-list at rhodes22.org>
> Date: Friday, December 19, 2008, 9:13 AM
> A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville,
> Florida, and sees a
> card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
> 
>  
> 
> Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me
> some more details?' he
> asks the clerk.
> 
>  
> 
> The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails
> getting the ladies
> ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of
> their underwear,
> lay them down and carefully, wash their private regions,
> then apply shaving
> foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing
> oils so that
> they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
> There's an annual salary
> of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford,
> Mississippi. That's
> about 620 miles from here.'
> 
>  
> 
> 'Oh, is that where the job is?'
> 
>  
> 
> 'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right
> now.'
> 
>  
> 
>  --
> 
> This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy
> journal:
> 
>  
> 
> I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to
> make an appointment
> for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
> showed me a color
> diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go
> all over the place,
> at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis Then Andy
> explained the
> colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and
> patient manner. I
> nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything
> he said, because my
> brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A
> TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR
> BEHIND!'
> 
>  
> 
> I left Andy's office with some written instructions,
> and a prescription for
> a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
> large enough to hold a
> microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later;
> for now suffice it
> to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands
> of America 's
> enemies.
> 
>  
> 
> I spent the next several days productively sitting around
> being nervous.
> Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
> preparation. In
> accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid
> food that day; all I
> had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with
> less flavor.
> Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two
> packets of powder
> together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
> lukewarm water.
> (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is
> about 32 gallons.)
> Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an
> hour, because
> MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture
> of goat spit and
> urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
> 
>  
> 
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody
> with a great
> sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a
> loose, watery bowel
> movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that
> after you jump off
> your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
> 
>  
> 
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too
> graphic, here, but:
> Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty
> much the MoviPrep
> experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when
> you wish the
> commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
> much confined to the
> bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And
> then, when you
> figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another
> liter of
> MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels
> travel into the
> future and start eliminating food that you have not even
> eaten yet.
> 
>  
> 
> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The
> next morning my
> wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only
> was I worried
> about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional
> return bouts of
> MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
> Andy?' How do you
> apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers
> would not be enough.
> 
>  
> 
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
> understood and
> totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then
> they led me to a
> room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside
> a little
> curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of
> those hospital
> garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when
> you put it on,
> makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually
> naked.
> 
>  
> 
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in
> my left hand.
> Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good,
> and I was already
> lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka
> in their MoviPrep.
> At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this
> is, but then I
> pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to
> make it to the
> bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose
> Mode. You would
> have no choice but to burn your house.
> 
>  
> 
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
> procedure room, where
> Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I
> did not see the
> 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around
> there somewhere. I
> was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over
> on my left side,
> and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the
> needle in my
> hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized
> that the song was
> 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,
> of all the songs that
> could be playing during this particular procedure,
> 'Dancing Queen' had to be
> the least appropriate.
> 
>  
> 
> 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
> somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I
> said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading
> for more than a
> decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I
> am going to tell
> you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
> 
>  
> 
> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,
> ABBA was yelling
> 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,'
> and the next moment, I was
> back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
> Andy was looking
> down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I
> felt even more
> excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that
> my colon had
> passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an
> internal organ.
> 
>  
> 
> ABOUT THE WRITER
> 
> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for
> the Miami Herald.
> 
>  
> 
> On the subject of Colonoscopies...
> 
> Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the
> exam were quite
> humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are
> actual comments
> made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
> performing their
> colonoscopies:
> 
>  
> 
> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no
> man has gone before!
> 
>  
> 
> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
> 
>  
> 
> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
> 
>  
> 
> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there
> yet?'
> 
>  
> 
> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally
> married.'
> 
>  
> 
> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
> 
>  
> 
> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand
> out...'
> 
>  
> 
> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
> 
>  
> 
> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
> 
>  
> 
> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
> 
>  
> 
> 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't
> you?'
> 
>  
> 
> 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
> 
>  
> 
> And the best one of all.
> 
>  
> 
> 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my
> head is not up
> there?'
> 
>  
> 
>  --
> 
>  
> 
> __________________________________________________
> To subscribe/unsubscribe or for help with using the mailing
> list go to http://www.rhodes22.org/list
> __________________________________________________