[Rhodes22-list] Commencement Speech

[Brad Haslett]

Well, it is that time of year.  Brad

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Fairness, idealism and other atrocities Commencement advice you're unlikely
to hear elsewhere.
By P.J. O'Rourke

May 4, 2008

Well, here you are at your college graduation. And I know what you're
thinking: "Gimme the sheepskin and get me outta here!" But not so fast.
First you have to listen to a commencement speech.

Don't moan. I'm not going to "pass the wisdom of one generation down to the
next." I'm a member of the 1960s generation. We didn't have any wisdom.

We were the moron generation. We were the generation that believed we could
stop the Vietnam War by growing our hair long and dressing like circus
clowns. We believed drugs would change everything -- which they did, for
John Belushi. We believed in free love. Yes, the love was free, but we paid
a high price for the sex.

My generation spoiled everything for you. It has always been the special
prerogative of young people to look and act weird and shock grown-ups. But
my generation exhausted the Earth's resources of the weird. Weird clothes --
we wore them. Weird beards -- we grew them. Weird words and phrases -- we
said them. So, when it came your turn to be original and look and act weird,
all you had left was to tattoo your faces and pierce your tongues. Ouch.
That must have hurt. I apologize.

So now, it's my job to give you advice. But I'm thinking: You're finishing
16 years of education, and you've heard all the conventional good advice you
can stand. So, let me offer some relief:

1. *Go out and make a bunch of money!*

Here we are living in the world's most prosperous country, surrounded by all
the comforts, conveniences and security that money can provide. Yet no
American political, intellectual or cultural leader ever says to young
people, "Go out and make a bunch of money." Instead, they tell you that
money can't buy happiness. Maybe, but money can rent it.

There's nothing the matter with honest moneymaking. Wealth is not a pizza,
where if I have too many slices you have to eat the Domino's box. In a free
society, with the rule of law and property rights, no one loses when someone
else gets rich.

2. *Don't be an idealist!*

Don't chain yourself to a redwood tree. Instead, be a corporate lawyer and
make $500,000 a year. No matter how much you cheat the IRS, you'll still end
up paying $100,000 in property, sales and excise taxes. That's $100,000 to
schools, sewers, roads, firefighters and police. You'll be doing good for
society. Does chaining yourself to a redwood tree do society $100,000 worth
of good?

Idealists are also bullies. The idealist says, "I care more about the
redwood trees than you do. I care so much I can't eat. I can't sleep. It
broke up my marriage. And because I care more than you do, I'm a better
person. And because I'm the better person, I have the right to boss you
around."

Get a pair of bolt cutters and liberate that tree.

Who does more for the redwoods and society anyway -- the guy chained to a
tree or the guy who founds the "Green Travel Redwood Tree-Hug Tour Company"
and makes a million by turning redwoods into a tourist destination, a
valuable resource that people will pay just to go look at?

So make your contribution by getting rich. Don't be an idealist.

3. *Get politically uninvolved!*

All politics stink. Even democracy stinks. Imagine if our clothes were
selected by the majority of shoppers, which would be teenage girls. I'd be
standing here with my bellybutton exposed. Imagine deciding the dinner menu
by family secret ballot. I've got three kids and three dogs in my family.
We'd be eating Froot Loops and rotten meat.

But let me make a distinction between politics and politicians. Some people
are under the misapprehension that all politicians stink. Impeach George W.
Bush, and everything will be fine. Nab Ted Kennedy on a DUI, and the
nation's problems will be solved.

But the problem isn't politicians -- it's politics. Politics won't allow for
the truth. And we can't blame the politicians for that. Imagine what even a
little truth would sound like on today's campaign trail:

"No, I can't fix public education. The problem isn't the teachers unions or
a lack of funding for salaries, vouchers or more computer equipment The
problem is your kids!"

4. *Forget about fairness!*

We all get confused about the contradictory messages that life and politics
send.

Life sends the message, "I'd better not be poor. I'd better get rich. I'd
better make more money than other people." Meanwhile, politics sends us the
message, "Some people make more money than others. Some are rich while
others are poor. We'd better close that 'income disparity gap.' It's not
fair!"

Well, I am here to advocate for unfairness. I've got a 10-year-old at home.
She's always saying, "That's not fair." When she says this, I say, "Honey,
you're cute. That's not fair. Your family is pretty well off. That's not
fair. You were born in America. That's not fair. Darling, you had better
pray to God that things don't start getting fair for you." What we need is
more income, even if it means a bigger income disparity gap.

5. *Be a religious extremist!*

So, avoid politics if you can. But if you absolutely cannot resist, read the
Bible for political advice -- even if you're a Buddhist, atheist or
whatever. Don't get me wrong, I am not one of those people who believes that
God is involved in politics. On the contrary. Observe politics in this
country. Observe politics around the world. Observe politics through
history. Does it look like God's involved?

The Bible is very clear about one thing: Using politics to create fairness
is a sin. Observe the Tenth Commandment. The first nine commandments concern
theological principles and social law: Thou shalt not make graven images,
steal, kill, et cetera. Fair enough. But then there's the tenth: "Thou shalt
not covet thy neighbor's house. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife,
nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor
anything that is thy neighbor's."

Here are God's basic rules about how we should live, a brief list of sacred
obligations and solemn moral precepts. And, right at the end of it we read,
"Don't envy your buddy because he has an ox or a donkey." Why did that make
the top 10? Why would God, with just 10 things to tell Moses, include
jealousy about livestock?

Well, think about how important this commandment is to a community, to a
nation, to a democracy. If you want a mule, if you want a pot roast, if you
want a cleaning lady, don't whine about what the people across the street
have. Get rich and get your own.

Now, one last thing:

6. *Don't listen to your elders!*

After all, if the old person standing up here actually knew anything worth
telling, he'd be charging you for it.

P.J. O'Rourke, a correspondent for the Weekly Standard and the Atlantic, is
the author, most recently, of "On The Wealth of Nations." A longer version
of this article appears in Change magazine, which reports on trends and
issues in higher education.