[Rhodes22-list] POLITICAL HUMOR: Just for Fun

[Ben Cittadino]

THE MAVERICK WEARS PRADA
Screenplay by
Maureen Dowd
Revised third draft
© Oct. 29, 2008


FADE IN:

INT. A HOTEL SUITE — in the middle of the day in the middle of Ohio.

NICOLLE WALLACE, a slender, preppie-looking blonde wearing a string of
pearls is pacing and frantically thumbing her BlackBerry. She is a top
McCain adviser under STEVE SCHMIDT who has been seconded to SARAH PALIN. On
the TV, MSNBC’s DAVID SHUSTER is asking ANNE KORNBLUT about rumors that
PALIN has gone AWOL after McCain advisers anonymously labeled her a rogue
“diva” and a “whack job.”

NICOLLE

(hissing)

How’d she get away?

TRACEY SCHMITT, another blonde sorority type in pearls, also a Bush person
who became a McCain person who was then sent over to manage PALIN as her
press secretary, sits slumped in a chair, dejectedly checking her BlackBerry
messages.

How the heck should I know? She told me she was going to the bathroom to
change out of the Jimmy Choos into something more Target for the Joe the
Plumber “They’re Not Smears, They’re Just Facts” Bus Tour. She never came
back. I called Todd. He’s not picking up. 

NICOLLE

Steve’s freaking out. You know how he is about message discipline, much less
completely losing a candidate. He’s got enough on his plate scaring the
nursing-home Jews in Florida and painting Obama as a Palestinian Marxist
Madrassa Child. Maybe all of those dudes painting their chests for Sarah and
screaming “2012!” have her looking past the old man. Steve says he will
annihilate her if she sabotages this campaign to get started on the next
one, or if she plants negative stories about me — I mean McCain — with the
base. Are the clothes gone from the belly of the plane?

TRACEY

It’s not like we were ever gonna return them anyway.

NICOLLE

Think like a diva. Where would you go rogue?

TRACEY

Sean Hannity’s pocket. Could he pant over her more? Or maybe she’s hiding in
Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s dressing room at “The View.”

NICOLLE

She’s probably at The Weekly Standard, plotting her shining city on the
tundra with Fred Barnes and Bill Kristol. I can’t believe Barnes called me a
coward because I tried to update that $30 Wasilla beehive that made her look
like the girlfriend in an Elvis movie and upgrade her from pleather to
leather. And besides, she’s not going to find real Americans at Saks and
Neiman’s. She’s got to go to Barneys and Armani for that. 

TRACEY

Between us, Nicolle, she doesn’t look $150,000 different. Maybe we should
have spent that money on getting Henry Kissinger to put on his snowshoes and
best leer and tutor her.

NICOLLE

Look, Tracey, maybe Sarah doesn’t know who Berlusconi is, but she does know
who Valentino is. She saw those labels. She knew we were being sartorial
socialists and spreading the wealth to Neiman’s and Saks. She liked being
pampered like a movie star. We should have learned from W. If you can keep a
war off budget, why can’t you keep a wardrobe off budget? I told the press
if someone wants to throw me under the bus, my personal belief is that the
most graceful thing to do is lie there. 

TRACEY

That’ll be the day.

NICOLLE

I’ll be glad when this blind date from hell is over and I can get away from
the dysfunctional Palin clan and back to walking my dog, Lily, in Central
Park with my pinko liberal friends. I knew Katie would be brutal, but thank
God I arranged that interview because now I can go back to my gig as a
political analyst at CBS.

TRACEY

I’m gonna miss Todd. He’s hot.

NICOLLE

I won’t miss him or his 20 calls a day playing stage dad. He’s probably the
one who masterminded her breakout. 

(Her BlackBerry rings to the tune of “Eye of the Tiger.”)

Uh-oh, it’s Steve.

(She listens and then hangs up.)

TRACEY

(sardonically)

Does McCain know the maverick’s maverick has gone all mavericky on him?

NICOLLE

McCain is calling off the search.

TRACEY

(shocked)

Huh?

NICOLLE

He’s fed up with her getting bigger crowds and contradicting his message.
He’s fed up with her interrupting him on TV interviews and taking them over.
He’s fed up with her drilling him on drilling. He’s fed up with never being
able to discuss anything with her, like the latest violence in the Congo.
He’s weirded out by the way she keeps trying to explain the Rapture to him.
His exact words to Steve were: “For my End of Days, I’d prefer to finish the
race with Lieberman.” So forget Sarah. Let’s find Joe.

TRACEY

You betcha! 




Ben C.
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