[Rhodes22-list] what about a joke athon, who can top this

[Brad Haslett]

MJM,

Too funny!  Whoever wrote the definitions of tools was obviously an
aircraft homebuilder. I broke the little finger on my left hand last
spring working on my airplane, the only digit on either hand that
hadn't previously been broken using a Milwaukee 90 degree electric
drill with what I determined to be a faulty switch.  I called
Milwaukee the next day and explained what happened, how it happened,
and what the problem with their product was - explained that I didn't
want any money, just wanted to give them a heads-up call.  I got
"yada, yada, yada, that's the first we've ever heard of this issue".
The product was off the shelf nationwide within a week.

It takes a couple of decades to figure this out, but it is cheaper to
pay the professionals to do a lot of different jobs than it is to pay
the medical bills.  As my brother says, "you can't beat a man at his
own craft".

Brad

On Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 7:18 PM, michael meltzer <mjm at michaelmeltzer.com> wrote:
> An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
> buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.'
>
>
>
> The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief Coming right up.' He gets the Indian a tall
> mug of coffee.
>
>
>
> The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo
> with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and
> then just walks out.
>
>
>
> The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
> another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to
> the waiter 'Want coffee.'
>
>
>
> The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
> yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'
>
>
>
> The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Training for position in United States
> Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to
> clean up, disappear for rest of day.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> --
>
> Common tools explained:
>
>
>
> DRILL PRESS:
>
> A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
> out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
> across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you
> had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
>
>
>
> WIRE WHEEL:
>
> Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
> with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
> from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shit!"
>
>
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
>
> Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old
> age.
>
>
>
> SKILL SAW:
>
> A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
>
>
> PLIERS:
>
> Tool used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
> blood-blisters.
>
>
>
> BELT SANDER:
>
> An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
> major refinishing jobs.
>
>
>
> HACKSAW:
>
> One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
> transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
> you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
>
>
>
> VISE-GRIPS:
>
> Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
> else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
> the palm of your hand.
>
>
>
> WELDING GLOVES:
>
> Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense Welding-
> heat to the palm of your hand.
>
>
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
>
> Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
> fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the
> bearing race out of.
>
>
>
> TABLE SAW:
>
> A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
> testing wall integrity.
>
>
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
>
> Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
> new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
>
>
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
>
> Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
> handle.
>
>
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
>
> A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in
> bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
>
>
>
> BAND SAW:
>
> A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
> aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
> after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
>
>
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
>
> A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
> disconnect.
>
>
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
>
> A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
> screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
>
>
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
>
> See hacksaw.
>
>
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
>
> Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
> used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>
>
>
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
>
> A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
> screws into non-removable screws.
>
>
>
> PRY BAR:
>
> A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
> to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
>
>
> HOSE CUTTER:
>
> A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
>
>
> HAMMER:
>
> Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
> kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the
> object we are trying to hit.
>
>
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
>
> Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
> to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
> records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector  magazines, refund checks,
> and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but
> only while in use.
>
>
>
> DAMMIT TOOL:
>
> Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
> "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
> that you will need.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> __________________________________________________
> To subscribe/unsubscribe or for help with using the mailing list go to http://www.rhodes22.org/list
> __________________________________________________
>