[Rhodes22-list] what about a joke athon, who can top this

Tue Sep 9 21:48:31 EDT 2008

Hank,

The firewall shutoff valve on the Bo is broken/missing - all it
consists of is a plate on a piano hinge but it is located in a small
box with poor access.  I've been wrestling with it for a few days
using mirrors and flashlights.  One of my hangar neighbors is a
retired dentist who is always offering help.  I called him over a few
days ago and said, "Doc, I've got a job that could use a man with your
talents".  He took one look at the situation and replied, "good luck
Son, I'm retired".

Brad

On Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 8:27 PM, Hank <hnw555 at gmail.com> wrote:
> Brad,
>
> I can afford to do the jobs myself since I'm retired army and your taxes are
> paying my medical bills,
>
> Thanks,
>
> Hank
>
> On Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 8:50 PM, Brad Haslett <flybrad at gmail.com> wrote:
>
>> MJM,
>>
>> Too funny!  Whoever wrote the definitions of tools was obviously an
>> aircraft homebuilder. I broke the little finger on my left hand last
>> spring working on my airplane, the only digit on either hand that
>> hadn't previously been broken using a Milwaukee 90 degree electric
>> drill with what I determined to be a faulty switch.  I called
>> Milwaukee the next day and explained what happened, how it happened,
>> and what the problem with their product was - explained that I didn't
>> want any money, just wanted to give them a heads-up call.  I got
>> "yada, yada, yada, that's the first we've ever heard of this issue".
>> The product was off the shelf nationwide within a week.
>>
>> It takes a couple of decades to figure this out, but it is cheaper to
>> pay the professionals to do a lot of different jobs than it is to pay
>> the medical bills.  As my brother says, "you can't beat a man at his
>> own craft".
>>
>> Brad
>>
>> On Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 7:18 PM, michael meltzer <mjm at michaelmeltzer.com>
>> wrote:
>> > An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
>> > buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.'
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief Coming right up.' He gets the Indian a tall
>> > mug of coffee.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the
>> buffalo
>> > with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and
>> > then just walks out.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand,
>> pulling
>> > another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says
>> to
>> > the waiter 'Want coffee.'
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
>> > yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Training for position in United
>> States
>> > Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to
>> > clean up, disappear for rest of day.'
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > --
>> >
>> > Common tools explained:
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > DRILL PRESS:
>> >
>> > A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
>> > out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
>> > across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which
>> you
>> > had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > WIRE WHEEL:
>> >
>> > Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
>> > with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
>> calluses
>> > from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shit!"
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
>> >
>> > Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old
>> > age.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > SKILL SAW:
>> >
>> > A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > PLIERS:
>> >
>> > Tool used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
>> > blood-blisters.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > BELT SANDER:
>> >
>> > An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
>> into
>> > major refinishing jobs.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > HACKSAW:
>> >
>> > One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
>> > transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
>> more
>> > you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > VISE-GRIPS:
>> >
>> > Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
>> nothing
>> > else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
>> to
>> > the palm of your hand.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > WELDING GLOVES:
>> >
>> > Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense
>> Welding-
>> > heat to the palm of your hand.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
>> >
>> > Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
>> on
>> > fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want
>> the
>> > bearing race out of.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > TABLE SAW:
>> >
>> > A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
>> for
>> > testing wall integrity.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
>> >
>> > Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
>> your
>> > new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
>> >
>> > Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
>> > handle.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
>> >
>> > A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in
>> > bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > BAND SAW:
>> >
>> > A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
>> > aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
>> can
>> > after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
>> >
>> > A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
>> to
>> > disconnect.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
>> >
>> > A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
>> > screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
>> >
>> > See hacksaw.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
>> >
>> > Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening
>> old-style
>> > paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
>> > used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
>> >
>> > A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
>> > screws into non-removable screws.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > PRY BAR:
>> >
>> > A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
>> needed
>> > to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > HOSE CUTTER:
>> >
>> > A tool used to make hoses too short.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > HAMMER:
>> >
>> > Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
>> > kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the
>> > object we are trying to hit.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
>> >
>> > Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
>> delivered
>> > to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
>> vinyl
>> > records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector  magazines, refund checks,
>> > and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes,
>> but
>> > only while in use.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > DAMMIT TOOL:
>> >
>> > Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
>> > "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
>> > that you will need.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > __________________________________________________
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>> >
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