[Rhodes22-list] what about a joke athon, who can top this

Tue Sep 9 23:23:15 EDT 2008

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the
cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared
for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone
was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are
still going around passing out business cards."

On Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 10:02 PM, Benjamin Cittadino
<bigben65 at earthlink.net> wrote:
>
> So what's the difference between a neurologist, a neurosurgeon, and a
> neuropathologist.
>
>
>
>
> The neurologist knows alot but doesn't do much.
>
>
>
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>
>
> The neurosurgeon does alot but doesn't know much.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The nuropathologist knows everything but too late to help anyone.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (Malpractice lawyer's joke) Sorry....I guess you had to be there.
>
>
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>
>
> Ben C, s/v susan kay, highlands, nj
>
>
>
>
>
> Brad Haslett-2 wrote:
>>
>> Hank,
>>
>> The firewall shutoff valve on the Bo is broken/missing - all it
>> consists of is a plate on a piano hinge but it is located in a small
>> box with poor access.  I've been wrestling with it for a few days
>> using mirrors and flashlights.  One of my hangar neighbors is a
>> retired dentist who is always offering help.  I called him over a few
>> days ago and said, "Doc, I've got a job that could use a man with your
>> talents".  He took one look at the situation and replied, "good luck
>> Son, I'm retired".
>>
>> Brad
>>
>> On Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 8:27 PM, Hank <hnw555 at gmail.com> wrote:
>>> Brad,
>>>
>>> I can afford to do the jobs myself since I'm retired army and your taxes
>>> are
>>> paying my medical bills,
>>>
>>> Thanks,
>>>
>>> Hank
>>>
>>> On Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 8:50 PM, Brad Haslett <flybrad at gmail.com> wrote:
>>>
>>>> MJM,
>>>>
>>>> Too funny!  Whoever wrote the definitions of tools was obviously an
>>>> aircraft homebuilder. I broke the little finger on my left hand last
>>>> spring working on my airplane, the only digit on either hand that
>>>> hadn't previously been broken using a Milwaukee 90 degree electric
>>>> drill with what I determined to be a faulty switch.  I called
>>>> Milwaukee the next day and explained what happened, how it happened,
>>>> and what the problem with their product was - explained that I didn't
>>>> want any money, just wanted to give them a heads-up call.  I got
>>>> "yada, yada, yada, that's the first we've ever heard of this issue".
>>>> The product was off the shelf nationwide within a week.
>>>>
>>>> It takes a couple of decades to figure this out, but it is cheaper to
>>>> pay the professionals to do a lot of different jobs than it is to pay
>>>> the medical bills.  As my brother says, "you can't beat a man at his
>>>> own craft".
>>>>
>>>> Brad
>>>>
>>>> On Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 7:18 PM, michael meltzer <mjm at michaelmeltzer.com>
>>>> wrote:
>>>> > An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
>>>> > buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.'
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief Coming right up.' He gets the Indian a
>>>> tall
>>>> > mug of coffee.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the
>>>> buffalo
>>>> > with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
>>>> and
>>>> > then just walks out.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand,
>>>> pulling
>>>> > another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and
>>>> says
>>>> to
>>>> > the waiter 'Want coffee.'
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
>>>> > yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Training for position in United
>>>> States
>>>> > Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others
>>>> to
>>>> > clean up, disappear for rest of day.'
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > --
>>>> >
>>>> > Common tools explained:
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > DRILL PRESS:
>>>> >
>>>> > A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
>>>> stock
>>>> > out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
>>>> beer
>>>> > across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which
>>>> you
>>>> > had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > WIRE WHEEL:
>>>> >
>>>> > Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
>>>> workbench
>>>> > with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
>>>> calluses
>>>> > from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shit!"
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
>>>> >
>>>> > Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of
>>>> old
>>>> > age.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > SKILL SAW:
>>>> >
>>>> > A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > PLIERS:
>>>> >
>>>> > Tool used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
>>>> > blood-blisters.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > BELT SANDER:
>>>> >
>>>> > An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
>>>> into
>>>> > major refinishing jobs.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > HACKSAW:
>>>> >
>>>> > One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
>>>> It
>>>> > transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
>>>> more
>>>> > you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
>>>> becomes.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > VISE-GRIPS:
>>>> >
>>>> > Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
>>>> nothing
>>>> > else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
>>>> heat
>>>> to
>>>> > the palm of your hand.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > WELDING GLOVES:
>>>> >
>>>> > Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense
>>>> Welding-
>>>> > heat to the palm of your hand.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
>>>> >
>>>> > Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your
>>>> shop
>>>> on
>>>> > fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want
>>>> the
>>>> > bearing race out of.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > TABLE SAW:
>>>> >
>>>> > A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
>>>> for
>>>> > testing wall integrity.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
>>>> >
>>>> > Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
>>>> your
>>>> > new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
>>>> >
>>>> > Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
>>>> > handle.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
>>>> >
>>>> > A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off
>>>> in
>>>> > bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > BAND SAW:
>>>> >
>>>> > A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
>>>> > aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
>>>> can
>>>> > after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
>>>> >
>>>> > A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you
>>>> forgot
>>>> to
>>>> > disconnect.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
>>>> >
>>>> > A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
>>>> > screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
>>>> >
>>>> > See hacksaw.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
>>>> >
>>>> > Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening
>>>> old-style
>>>> > paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also
>>>> be
>>>> > used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
>>>> >
>>>> > A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
>>>> slotted
>>>> > screws into non-removable screws.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > PRY BAR:
>>>> >
>>>> > A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
>>>> needed
>>>> > to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > HOSE CUTTER:
>>>> >
>>>> > A tool used to make hoses too short.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > HAMMER:
>>>> >
>>>> > Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as
>>>> a
>>>> > kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to
>>>> the
>>>> > object we are trying to hit.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
>>>> >
>>>> > Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
>>>> delivered
>>>> > to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
>>>> vinyl
>>>> > records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector  magazines, refund
>>>> checks,
>>>> > and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
>>>> clothes,
>>>> but
>>>> > only while in use.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > DAMMIT TOOL:
>>>> >
>>>> > Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
>>>> > "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
>>>> tool
>>>> > that you will need.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> > __________________________________________________
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>>>> > __________________________________________________
>>>> >
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