[Rhodes22-list] what about a joke athon, who can top this

[KUHN, LELAND]

I typically ask job applicants to tell me their best joke.  It's one of
the few questions for which they haven't prepared a response, and it
gives me a feel for how they think on their feet.

This one came from a young lady straight out of grad school.  She didn't
get the job but when she stood up and sang the punch line she certainly
made me laugh.

________________________________________________________________________
____

It's Little Johnny's first day of school and he and his mother are kind
of nervous as they wait for the bus to come.  As the bus arrives, they
see that it's painted with Sesame Street characters and it makes them
both feel a little better.

That afternoon his mother is waiting for Little Johnny at the bus stop.
As he hops off the bus, she anxiously asks him how school went.

Little Johnny says that school was fine, but the bus ride was miserable.

First he had to sit between two fat girls who were both named Patty.

Little Johnny's mother said that "fat" was not a good word and it would
be better to use "obese."

Worse yet he said there was some retard sitting behind him named Ross.

Little Johnny's mother said that we shouldn't use that word and that
"special" would be better.

Little Johnny said that the worst kid on the bus was Lester Snead, who
had a bad case of syphilis all over his face.

Little Johnny's mother said that she doubted it was syphilis and that
more likely it was some type of pimples or bunyons.

Little Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "Now wait a minute
Mom.  Are you saying it was two obese Patties, special Ross, Lester
Snead with pimple bunyons on a Sesame Street bus?"

Big Mac, anyone?

-----Original Message-----
From: Brad Haslett [mailto:flybrad at gmail.com] 
Sent: Tuesday, September 09, 2008 8:50 PM
To: The Rhodes 22 Email List
Subject: Re: [Rhodes22-list] what about a joke athon, who can top this

MJM,

Too funny!  Whoever wrote the definitions of tools was obviously an
aircraft homebuilder. I broke the little finger on my left hand last
spring working on my airplane, the only digit on either hand that
hadn't previously been broken using a Milwaukee 90 degree electric
drill with what I determined to be a faulty switch.  I called
Milwaukee the next day and explained what happened, how it happened,
and what the problem with their product was - explained that I didn't
want any money, just wanted to give them a heads-up call.  I got
"yada, yada, yada, that's the first we've ever heard of this issue".
The product was off the shelf nationwide within a week.

It takes a couple of decades to figure this out, but it is cheaper to
pay the professionals to do a lot of different jobs than it is to pay
the medical bills.  As my brother says, "you can't beat a man at his
own craft".

Brad

On Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 7:18 PM, michael meltzer <mjm at michaelmeltzer.com>
wrote:
> An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
> buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.'
>
>
>
> The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief Coming right up.' He gets the Indian a
tall
> mug of coffee.
>
>
>
> The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the
buffalo
> with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and
> then just walks out.
>
>
>
> The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand,
pulling
> another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and
says to
> the waiter 'Want coffee.'
>
>
>
> The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
> yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'
>
>
>
> The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Training for position in United
States
> Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others
to
> clean up, disappear for rest of day.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> --
>
> Common tools explained:
>
>
>
> DRILL PRESS:
>
> A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock
> out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
beer
> across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which
you
> had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
>
>
>
> WIRE WHEEL:
>
> Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench
> with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses
> from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shit!"
>
>
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
>
> Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of
old
> age.
>
>
>
> SKILL SAW:
>
> A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
>
>
> PLIERS:
>
> Tool used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
> blood-blisters.
>
>
>
> BELT SANDER:
>
> An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into
> major refinishing jobs.
>
>
>
> HACKSAW:
>
> One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It
> transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more
> you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
>
>
>
> VISE-GRIPS:
>
> Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing
> else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to
> the palm of your hand.
>
>
>
> WELDING GLOVES:
>
> Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense
Welding-
> heat to the palm of your hand.
>
>
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
>
> Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your
shop on
> fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want
the
> bearing race out of.
>
>
>
> TABLE SAW:
>
> A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for
> testing wall integrity.
>
>
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
>
> Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your
> new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
>
>
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
>
> Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
> handle.
>
>
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
>
> A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off
in
> bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
>
>
>
> BAND SAW:
>
> A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
> aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can
> after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
>
>
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
>
> A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you
forgot to
> disconnect.
>
>
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
>
> A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
> screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
>
>
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
>
> See hacksaw.
>
>
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
>
> Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening
old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also
be
> used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>
>
>
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
>
> A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
slotted
> screws into non-removable screws.
>
>
>
> PRY BAR:
>
> A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed
> to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
>
>
> HOSE CUTTER:
>
> A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
>
>
> HAMMER:
>
> Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as
a
> kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to
the
> object we are trying to hit.
>
>
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
>
> Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered
> to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl
> records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector  magazines, refund
checks,
> and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but
> only while in use.
>
>
>
> DAMMIT TOOL:
>
> Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
> "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
tool
> that you will need.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> __________________________________________________
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> __________________________________________________
>

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