[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[michael meltzer]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive....

 

So, I took her to a gas station.

 

And that's how the fight started....

 

************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.

 

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

 

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

 

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'

 

And that's how the fight started.....

 

***********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.

 

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

 

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since' 

 

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

 

And that's how the fight started......

 

***********************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning.

 

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of
his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little
things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a
DWARF!!!

 

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

 

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

 

And that's how the fight started.......

 

***********************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would
make her look better at night than the cold cream.

 

And that's how the fight started.....

 

************************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first.

 

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

 

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

 

"Nah, she can order for herself."

 

And that's how the fight started..

 

 

--

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

 

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

 

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

 

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

 

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind,
can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

 

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round
this way?'

 

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm
a plasterer.'

 

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more,
but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and
proceeds to read it.

 

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the
barman good day and leaves.

 

The same thing happens for two weeks.

 

Then one day the circus comes to town.

 

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads
the newspaper and everything!'

 

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
'Get him to give me a call.'

 

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr.
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

 

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

 

'At the circus,' says the barman.

 

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

 

'That's right,' replies the barman.

 

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

 

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

 

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?' says the duck.

 

'Of course,' the barman replies.

 

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?' persists the duck.

 

'That's right!' says the barman.

 

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says 'What the f#ck would they
want with a plasterer?'

 

 

 

--

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.- maybe it would
take a few inches off of your butt!!'

 

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
comment go un rewarded.

 

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom,
'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

 

She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder ... it's Miracle Grow.'

 

 

 

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