[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Brad Haslett]

This just in from my old HS guidance counselor (who mostly said during
that period, "I know nothing").  I hate to get on a soapbox and then
run, but the "Elles" and "Gregs" in the world are so rare and so
special when you find them that you just have to  brag!


-----------------------

Here are the top 10 winners in the  International Pun Contest.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger.

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, 'Dam!'

 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it, too.

 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The
other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies,'Yes, I'm positive.'

 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off.'Because,' he said,
'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to
buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought
the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down,
but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the
friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh
can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's
good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.



On Sat, Sep 27, 2008 at 5:06 PM, michael meltzer <mjm at michaelmeltzer.com> wrote:
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
> expensive....
>
>
>
> So, I took her to a gas station.
>
>
>
> And that's how the fight started....
>
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
> Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
> verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
> home.
>
>
>
> I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
> back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
> revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
> proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>
>
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
> Security office.
>
>
>
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability, too'
>
>
>
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
>
>
> ***********************************************************************
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
> staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
> table.
>
>
>
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>
>
>
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
> right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
> sober since'
>
>
>
> 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
> that long?'
>
>
>
> And that's how the fight started......
>
>
>
> ***********************************************************************
>
> I rear-ended a car this morning.
>
>
>
> So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of
> his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little
> things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a
> DWARF!!!
>
>
>
> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
>
>
>
> So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
>
>
>
> And that's how the fight started.......
>
>
>
> ***********************************************************************
>
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would
> make her look better at night than the cold cream.
>
>
>
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
>
>
> ************************************************************************
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
> first.
>
>
>
> "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
>
>
>
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
>
>
>
> "Nah, she can order for herself."
>
>
>
> And that's how the fight started..
>
>
>
>
>
> --
>
> A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
>
>
>
> The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'
>
>
>
> 'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
>
>
>
> 'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
>
>
>
> 'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind,
> can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
>
>
>
> 'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
> 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round
> this way?'
>
>
>
> 'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm
> a plasterer.'
>
>
>
> The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more,
> but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and
> proceeds to read it.
>
>
>
> So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the
> barman good day and leaves.
>
>
>
> The same thing happens for two weeks.
>
>
>
> Then one day the circus comes to town.
>
>
>
> The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
> 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
> just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads
> the newspaper and everything!'
>
>
>
> 'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
> 'Get him to give me a call.'
>
>
>
> So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr.
> Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'
>
>
>
> 'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
>
>
>
> 'At the circus,' says the barman.
>
>
>
> 'The circus?' repeats the duck.
>
>
>
> 'That's right,' replies the barman.
>
>
>
> 'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'
>
>
>
> 'Yeah,' the barman replies.
>
>
>
> 'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
> caravans?' says the duck.
>
>
>
> 'Of course,' the barman replies.
>
>
>
> 'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
> middle?' persists the duck.
>
>
>
> 'That's right!' says the barman.
>
>
>
> The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says 'What the f#ck would they
> want with a plasterer?'
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> --
>
> One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
> 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.- maybe it would
> take a few inches off of your butt!!'
>
>
>
> His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
> comment go un rewarded.
>
>
>
> The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
> 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
> appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom,
> 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
>
>
>
> She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder ... it's Miracle Grow.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> --
>
>
>
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